I’m 35M, married 7 years. I keep telling myself we have a good marriage because we do not scream, we laugh, we have the same values, we like being home. But we keep having these stupid little fights that are not little anymore. It’s always some boring household thing: a cabinet hinge hanging on for dear life, the bathroom fan rattling, the smoke detector chirping at 2am, the fridge making that weird clicking noise, the dog’s water bowl being empty again, the trash overflowing even though the bin is right there. I notice it, I fix it, I replace it, I call the handyman, I make the list, I pick up the supplies. If I do not, it just… stays. Sometimes for weeks. My wife is not lazy in a classic way. She works, she cooks sometimes, she will clean when we have guests coming. But day to day she moves through the house like nothing is wrong until it becomes a full blown problem. The sink starts draining slow, I mention it, she shrugs. Two weeks later it’s basically a swamp and now we have an argument because “why didn’t you just do it then” and I’m like because I’m not the only adult who lives here?? Yesterday it was the front door not latching right. I said hey, can you please put in a request with the HOA or at least look at it with me so we do not get locked out. She said “okay” without looking up from her phone. This morning she left, pulled the door, it didn’t latch, and our dog pushed it open when I was in the shower. Nothing happened but my heart was in my throat. I brought it up and she got annoyed, like I was blaming her for existing.
We tried the “chore chart” thing, it lasted 10 days. I tried to talk about mental load and she rolled her eyes and said I’m online too much and making it dramatic. When I get quiet, she says I’m sulking. When I say something, she says I’m nitpicking. The worst part is I do not even care about perfection. I care about feeling like we are a team and I’m not a manager handing out tasks. I do not want to ask for help like I’m her dad. I also do not want to live in a house where stuff slowly breaks while we pretend it’s fine. How do you get through to someone who truly thinks these are “just little things” without turning into the nagging guy I swore I’d never be? Couples therapy is on my mind but I’m scared she’ll treat it like I’m attacking her.