For context, this is my third wife. My first wife and mother of my 3 children (now 18-22) and I (m50) divorced after several years of her cheating on me with every guy she met. We stayed together as long as i could (15 years) stand it for the kids, but I finally had to end it. I probably got remarried too soon after that, too a younger woman who said she didn't want kids of her own due to a terrible relationship to her mom. At first she tried to make it look like she enjoyed my children but grew to hate them and use them as an excuse to be mad. After about 5 years, she ran off with a childhood sweetheart who was also married at the time. She had severe PTSD from her childhood and time in the Navy, and would go on terribly mean tirades… she damaged my guitars with scissors, threw things, etc but she would calm down and beg forgiveness, and I tried to make it work, but I was honestly glad she finally left.
Suffice it to say, I am emotionally damaged and have a severe abandonment fear. With my kids being basically grown, I also have a fear of being old and alone. I know these are severe issues I need to deal with on my own, but I don't think my issues affect my current wife…
I met my current and 3rd wife (f41) very shortly after my second divorce. She was in the middle of an ugly divorce because her husband had a brain altering car accident which left him completely physically capable but mentally lazy and he quit working because he didn't feel like it any longer while she worked 3 jobs and refinished and sold furniture and even a house to make ends meet, to support their 5 children (now ages 7-15). We dated for a year and a half and her divorce was finally final about 6 months into that span, as he made it so difficult and refused to any kind of agreement. So we dated a year after her divorce was final.
We've now been married about 18 months, she's been divorced nearly 3 years, so they have shared custody of her kids 50/50 for over 3 years now. But every time they go to their dad's for anything more than a normal weekend, she goes into a mild depression. When this happens, I am basically non existent to her. We've had many discussions about how this makes me feel and though she says she understands why I feel the way I do, her depression doesn't seem to allow her to change. She says when she gets distant, she needs me to try to be closer, but my own issues make me want to distance myself when I feel she isn't interested. I am, however, trying to power through and be there for her as much as i possibly can… but I must admit it's killing me inside. When the kids come back, I'm positive (hopeful anyway) that things will get back to normal. But the more this happens, the more I fear she has or will lose complete interest in me.
For example, she wanted to go on a trip while they were at their dad's over Christmas break. We drove 6 hours each way and most of the trip she listened to an audio book. When I reach for her hand or put my hand on her arm or anything, she doesn't return anything. I might as well be caressing a pillow.
Am I being insensitive during her depression, or do I have a legitimate cause for worry?