Hi Reddit. I caught my boyfriend using substances and I’m really stressed about how I should go about this? A little back story: Me and my boyfriend (I’m going to call him tom for privacy reasons) have been dating for 2 and a half years. we haven’t had the smoothest of relationships but we’ve made it work. Me and Tom used the smoke a substance which you put into a vape. when we started smoking it, we were under the impressions it was THC. we got very addicted and were smoking for about 8 months. we had a really toxic relationship during this time as it made him a horrible person. We later found out that it’s actually spice and fentanyl. some of these also contain crack. Me and Tom stopped smoking for obvious reasons. About a year or so later (March 2025), I found out Tom had been smoking this again, knowing what it actually is he was smoking. he said he was stressed out about life etc and he was going to come off it. A week later, I came home from work and went into our bedroom (we live with his parents). Tom walked in 5 minutes later and said to me “I think we should break up, do you want to pack your stuff now or in a few days”. I was distraught to say the least. I packed all of my things and went home. a week later Tom messaged me wanting to sort things out. We met up, and he said to me that he stopped using the substance and he wasn’t himself and didn’t really feel any emotions but he realised what a mistake he had made, and we agreed that he wouldn’t do it again and if he did, that would be the end of our relationship. After we got back together, a girl messaged me and sent me screenshots and Tom messaging her just before we broke up. He has slept with the girl before we got together and was saying things like “I can’t wait to be inside of you”, “I’m leaving her soon and me and you can go on holiday together”. I know he wasn’t sleeping with her, but to me, that is cheating. I confronted Tom about it, and he defending himself by saying it was because of the substance and he wouldn’t do that etc. I forgave him.
Onto present day: I haven’t been with Tom for the past week and as he said to me to go out with my friends and stay at my mums because I’m enjoying it so much. I thought this was so lovely of him as we’ve never had that long apart since we’ve got together, apart from the week where we broke up. I came back to his house last night and we watched the ending of stranger things together and then went to sleep as I had work today. I started work at 7am and didn’t realise I had a break at 12 as I was covering a shift. The person I was working with mentioned this to me so obviously Tom doesn’t know I have a break. I go back to home during my break as I live around the corner from all of my clients (I do caring as a side job). I went upstairs and opened the door and could see he was high. I said to him “you’re high, give me the vape”. He did give it to me and I just felt so disappointed. I reminded him of what would happen if he smoked that again. I then walked off to the bathroom and he said to me “if you’re leaving can I have the vape back”. I couldn’t believe this guy and I had to leave before I got angry.
I am so hurt. he blamed him cheating on me and leaving me due to a substance and promised he would never use it again, and then got back on it and hid it from me by acting nice pretending it was a favour for me. He has done many things in our relationship that have been questionable. for example: He told me my family were ponce’s for living in a council house (we pay rent regardless).
He deleted the pictures of my pregnancy test (I didn’t have the baby) because it has something to do with my ex.
He would make me do what he wanted otherwise we would give me punishments (sending me home when I had separation anxiety). this was things like driving him to his friends etc. This was a year ago so he doesn’t do this anymore and I’ve worked on my separation anxiety).
He’s done a lot but it’s a lot to list, but he has given me plenty of reasons to walk away and I stayed because I loved him. But this feels like a huge betrayal and now I don’t trust him, purely for the fact he has actively lied to me and went back on the substance that apparently was the reason he cheated on me. My head and heart and battling really hard on this one. Please help
Edit:
I don’t think he’s an addict. he’s not constantly using it, he stopped for a long time and he doesn’t believe in addiction. he is not all bad, and I love him. Which is why I needed some advice on this. Thank you