I'm at the end of my rope. We moved to the Midwest almost 7 years ago with our three kids, we didn't know a soul up here. Husband is a huge online gamer and has on/off alcoholism (will go like a year straight drinking heavily daily and then like 6 months completely sober).
When we moved up here I was nervous he would create a "man cave" out of the basement to game and the kids and I would never see him. That is basically what has happened… However, over the years he has set up gaming systems for the kids down there and we have a couch and an air hockey table so the kids do go down there to play now. However, my husband literally lives down there. He sleeps on the basement couch every night. He doesn't come upstairs at all except to use the bathroom (the basement is unfinished) or to grab something to eat…to which he eats it in the basement.
We have fought about this on and off over the last 7 years of living up up here (we moved from Florida where there are no basements). And every time we argue he says the same things- that he doesn't want to come upstairs because "there there was nothing for me to do up there" ..or he'll turn it back on me and say why don't I come down there. Well for one, I can't stand video games (I will go down and play a round of Mario kart or something maybe once or twice a month with our kids) but I'm not interested in spending hours down there gaming. And there is nothing else to do. It's a small space and it's unfinished with just his desk and a couch and TV.
Meanwhile I'm upstairs taking care of chores, grocery shopping, planning and cooking meals, handling things as they come up with the kids, homework, dentist appointments, birthday parties, you get the picture. OH.. and I also work 40 hours a week the same as him.
I don't know what the compromise to this is.. I have practically begged for him to set a time limit on the amount of time he sits at his computer but he doesn't do it. I wish I was exaggerating when I say literally the ONLY times he comes upstairs is to eat and use the bathroom..unless we have somewhere we absolutely have to be as a family like our kids sports game.
I keep telling him this is not a normal marriage, I feel like I'm his landlord and he's renting the basement from me. I will say- he will come upstairs to help with something if I ask, like cook dinner. But I have to tell him what to do or ask him to do it … He just doesn't take initiative. I don't know how to get him to understand what he is doing is wrong. Or maybe I'm in the wrong for being so angry over this? Does anyone else's husband (or wife) spend all of their free time in a separate room or area of the house??? If so, how do you navigate that? What is the compromise, or do you just deal with it?