My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. He’s kind, empathetic and would do anything for me. We spend a TON of time together daily and live together. I think we have a good time hanging out. I also find him very physically attractive and I would say he is conventionally attractive (more so than myself). He has great hair, is toned and in shape and looks much younger than he actually is.
The problem is we’ve never really been sexually compatible. For the first three years he didn’t really want to have sex with me. Or he did but not often at all and would shoot me down anytime I tried to initiate. He wouldn’t talk to me about it and said it was not due to low libido. In that time I tried everything. Lingerie, talking about our feelings, asking him what he liked, how to initiate in a way he liked, scheduling it even. He would just tell me it felt weird that I wanted to or would procrastinate so long into the evening on the scheduled days I gave up. This made me feel really desperate and unwanted.
He always wanted an open relationships dynamic and eventually told me I should go out there and meet someone else just for the sex element. I did somewhat organically and the minute the guy asked me out for coffee my BF told me he was really uncomfortable with the whole thing and wanted to be monogamous. That was six months ago. Since then he’s put a ton of effort into the relationship, talking to me about sex, (and told me all of this was due to sexual aversion and religious upbringing) wanting to a lot more often and being receptive like 90% of the time if I initiate.
But it’s like a switch turned off. I don’t feel aroused, I don’t want my boyfriend to touch me. I think something changed, like after so long he didn’t want me my brain doesn’t see him as a sexual partner anymore. He’s my bestfriend, my person, my partner. But even thinking about sex with him turns me off.
Another element to this is I’m a very kinky person and my BF is very vanilla. He doesn’t understand this side of me (I also didn’t talk to him about it much early on because I mean…we couldn’t even have regular sex) and says he doesn’t get how it relates to sex. That I just need to be more patient with him while he tries to figure it out since sex stuff is hard for him.
But overall, I’ve put so much into this relationship and I don’t know what I’d do without out him. He’s my bestfriend and I know I’m not gonna meet someone else at this point in my life. We really help each other. This is like the most emotionally stable I’ve ever been with my chronic illnesses and severe ADHD. He really loves me and my flaws.
He knows how I’ve been feeling about sex and is really sad about it. I want to feel turned on again. Any advice as to feeling emotionally available for intimacy? It’s scary not being able to find those feelings.