I’m in my mid-30s, work a full time office job, and married 5 years with my husband who has a slightly more demanding job than myself. For a long time I’ve had this feeling that I’m seemingly not coping as well as I should be compared to other colleagues and friends, even when nothing is obviously wrong.
Recently I noticed something that’s made me question that. For the last few weeks, I wrote down the things that were taking up space in my head through the day. Not like tasks to do, but rather the ongoing “mental” work like keeping track of what needs attention later, remembering details my husband forgets, anticipating conversations (work and personal), planning ahead (eg holiday plans) so things don’t fall apart, mentally juggling multiple timelines at once.
What became apparent wasn’t the size of any one thing. It was the fact that most of it never actually completely “resolves” and is “done”. I end up just keep carrying it to the next day, adjusting them slightly each day.
Seeing that written out and read it out all in one go made something a bit clearer for me. I’ve been judging myself for feeling tired without recognising that a lot of my energy is going into holding things together in the background, even when nothing looks busy from the outside.
What made this a bit uncomfortable is realising how little of this I’ve ever articulated, even to my husband. Not that I think he wouldn’t care, but because I didn’t really know how to explain something that doesn’t show up as a clear list of tasks or problems. Instead, I’ve been quietly translating all of this into “I’m just bad at handling life/chores/whatever little things.”
Writing it down didn’t fix anything, and I haven’t turned it into a big marriage conversation yet. But it did change how I talk to myself, and it made me wonder how long I’ve been blaming myself for something that was never visible in the first place.
I’m trying to work out what to do with this realisation. I don’t want to turn it into blame, but I also don’t want to keep mislabelling what’s actually happening/how I am feeling.
Has anyone else realised they were carrying a kind of ongoing mental load that doesn’t really end, and that you’d been judging yourself for without fully recognising it? How do you contend with this, or if this comes up in conversations with your other half?
Thank you for reading 🙂 Alex