This question is sending me so bad I had to come here and make an actual post myself, after lurking on other's posts for what feels like ages.
(26F)
Its often found the other way around: "why do I hate being touched but like touching others?" But for me its the complete opposite. Cuddles are completely okay, but sexual intimacy drives me insane when it comes to touching others. It makes me instantly uncomfortable. I could go from being aroused to instantly lose interest, and it makes me maddening sad for my partner. Supposedly, they are "okay" with it, but I just feel guilty. How come I can't touch the person I love? I wondered where it could stem from; but given Ive only had one full sexual partner, its very hard to answer some questions. I don't remember a time I wanted to see someone naked. I never asked for nudes nor was I interested in it. But weirdly enough, I do enjoy pornography and can defenitely be aroused from it.
I like the idea of being seen naked, being touched or sexual intercourse. (Idk if its of any relevance to include I only experience this desire for a person I have feelings for); but I just simply do not care to see others naked. I like their pleasure, sure, but doesn't arouse me unless it's caused from my body if that makes sense?
Prior to my current relationship, I only had quarters of experience and they werent… good. The first memory I have of interacting with a penis was when I was 12. He was 17. I only touched it briefly above his pants, and he touched me alike. I suppose at the time, I wanted it. After that one time, I hardly ever touched anyone. I do fantasize about it, but when it comes to the real deal, its an instant ick. I've been touched without my consent on my breasts couple times in my life, and had…a sort of abusive situationship where said person always wanted me to take charge and be different, punishing me with silent treatments or "You don't want me anymore?" Sort of deal if I didn't, threatening everything else in within. But this was…mostly online. Phone sex. (Would it matter to include they had multiple partners? I supposed I was okay with it, but I, or any or their partners, couldn't really have others.)
I suppose writing it down does stem a bit of wonders, but I would like to get better and I'm just drowning. How do I understand what's trauma and what is simply a personal preference? I'm a very passive/submissive type of person in bed, and that situationship used to shame it for it very often. I do remember being more open and unapologetic before them, wheres now I more often than not feel…shame. As if I'm dirty, undeserving of pleasure or being arousing or sexy at all. Please. I just wish to find advice and people that maybe share seemilar feelings. My current partner (29M , together for 2 years and a half) is my real first. He makes me feel good about my body, desired. And is very patient with me. But I can see he would like to be touched like he does me, and it breaks my heart to be incapable of doing so. I feel like a shitty, egoistic partner.
Im sorry if this might be confusing, messy and whatnot. It's 5am here and I'm just half asleep half deep in sadness and brain juice.
Thanks to anyone that will read this