Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost a year. During the first couple of months, our sex life was amazing and very intense. She told me multiple times that she had never felt this comfortable during intimacy before, and that orgasms came very easily with me, which had been rare for her in the past.
We also had a power dynamic in bed that we talked about openly and both seemed to enjoy. I am bisexual and have always liked some level of power exchange. Sometimes I enjoyed being more submissive or being “overpowered,” and other times I was the dominant one. We switched depending on the moment, and she told me she liked this dynamic too. At the time, everything about our sex life felt mutual and really good.
About three months ago, she started becoming distant. Sex went from happening almost every day to once every two weeks or even less. Around that time she also had a health issue, so we stopped being intimate for a while, which I completely understood. But even after that was resolved, she still did not want to be intimate.
I started feeling frustrated by the lack of sex and brought it up multiple times. This usually led to her shutting down or saying things like, “I don’t like that you’re constantly pushing me,” or “I don’t like being distracted when you try to initiate while I’m doing something.” She would also go back to mentioning her health issue, even though it had already been taken care of.
Last night she said she wanted to talk. She told me that one of the reasons she has been distant is that she finds me being submissive during sex to be a turn-off. She said she only prefers to be overpowered and that when I am submissive, it takes away her “feminine energy.”
This really shocked me. I genuinely thought she liked that side of me before. Hearing this made me feel like she does not find me attractive for who I actually am, and that hurt a lot. I told her I needed some time to think about what she said before continuing the conversation, because I was feeling very emotional.
The confusing part is that I could probably adapt and be dominant all the time during sex if that is what she prefers. What hurts more is the feeling that parts of me that she once accepted or even enjoyed are now a problem. I am also scared that even if I change how I show up sexually, the frequency still will not improve. I do not want to be in my 20s feeling sexually unfulfilled or constantly rejected.
I really love her. We are very close, and aside from this, the relationship is genuinely good. This is the only major issue we have had, but it feels like a big one. I want to respect her preferences and boundaries, but I also do not know how to express my own emotions without getting overwhelmed or sounding pushy.
How can I have a conversation with her about this?
TL;DR: My girlfriend and I used to have a great sex life with a switch-style power dynamic. Recently she has been distant and says my submissive side turns her off and affects her attraction. I feel hurt because I thought she accepted that part of me. I love her and want to make this work, but I am afraid of changing myself and still not having my needs met. How do I talk to her about this without letting emotions take over?