Hey everyone, I’m 30 (female) am a late bloomer largely because I grew up in an extreme purity culture that made exploring my sexuality confusing and guilt-ridden. I was 12 the first time I saw porn and I was terrified by heterosexual sex. When I first saw lesbian porn I remember being instantly aroused by it. Later I felt extreme shame, thinking it was the greatest sin and that I’d go to hell for sure. This lasted for a few months.
I became an atheist as an adult so I don’t have any worries about heaven or hell but regardless everything happened kinda late for me. I had my first sexual experience at 24, which was painful at first but became more enjoyable with different partners. A year after that I had my first sexual experience with a woman. She was incredibly kind and patient and knew it was my first time being with a woman. Unfortunately I dissociated during the whole thing, just feeling extremely shy, insecure, and convinced I was bad at it.
Afterwards, I thought maybe I’m not bi after all. But now I’m questioning again because there are times when I see a woman and feel an extreme pull toward her. I never had romantic feelings for another woman, but I recently realized I had kinda intense feelings for my high school best friend. I was even jealous of her boyfriend!?. Now I’m lost and not sure how to approach this, so I’d appreciate any advice or shared experiences.