First off, I don’t need anybody dragging me in the comments because I already realize the situation that’s I’ve gotten myself into and have a lot of regret and sadness and anger. I guess that you could call my relationship with my guy a serious situationship. I’m 35F, and he’s 38M. I know, we’re old. We’ve been friends for years. We’ve done physical stuff other than sex (basically nothing involving genitals). Plus, we’ve also discussed marriage. So while we never officially “dated,” we have expressed the desire to be together in marriage and start a family. We met 11 years ago but were talking about marriage for maybe 7 years. It’s been a pretty up and down relationship. The thing is that we’re also long distance mostly. For the past few years, his job has been a lot worse. We used to see each other for weeks at a time a few times per year. But now, he’s so busy and broke that I haven’t seen him in a couple of years. We do, however, do video talks and sometimes do mildly sexy stuff on camera. Also, we were both virgins when we met. We both wanted to wait until marriage.
But we’ve also had a lot of trouble in the relationship. He has a big problem with letting his walls down. And I’ve grown more resentful over the years for various ways that he’s treated me. And he says that I’m cold-hearted for how I treat him. But I think his problem is that when I express displeasure with his actions, either by not reaching out, acting uninterested, or straight up telling him the problems, he always turns it around on me. He has said that he is thinking of marriage and a family with me, but he doesn’t feel comfortable enough with his career situation to settle down, and he also says that he’s afraid to commit because if he does, is he going to get mistreated by me, and he’s not sure that I actually feel the desire to be with him.
Anyway, the short version is that although we never officially were boyfriend and girlfriend, there has always been mutual affection, both physical and emotional, and we expressed the desire to be married to each other.
We were both virgins when we met. I was looking forward to sharing my first time with him, but I found out that he had sex with a colleague last week while on one of his contract jobs. I suspected that something was up, and when I pressed him on it, he confessed. The reason he gave was that we had just had an argument, he felt hurt, and he was at such a low point that he wanted to unalive himself, and she was there to stop him from going through with it, and she showed him the affection that he was looking for. They ended up having sex, and they’ve done it a few times since throughout the week. During that same week that they were meeting up for sex, we video chatted a few times, and he asked to see my breasts on camera on a few different occasions (as we often do), and he also asked for a picture, which I sent him.
I do actually believe that he wanted to unalive himself (thankfully, he did not) because he is bad at regulating his emotions (possibly in part because he has Asperger’s Syndrome), and he is also constantly under stress. So as he put it, our argument was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He says that I have nothing to worry about because they’re not dating and their relationship can’t progress because they will never be able to see each other again. But to me, it’s where his heart lies that matters.
So I really don’t know what to do. On one hand, we’ve had a tumultuous relationship over the years. He just never wants to commit or open up. I’m not saying that I don’t have problems, but I’ve given him a million chances for things over the years, including stuff that any other person would have blocked him for. He insists that he can’t do any other line of work, even though it’s very dangerous and takes him away for months at a time. I’ve begged him to find other work, but he regards that as criticizing everything he’s built and sacrificed for.
On the other hand, we do actually enjoy each other and have been trying to work on things.
The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I was saving myself for him, and he was, too, up until last week. I really do want a virgin because I am one, and it would be the most special. He was my first real love. So if I do marry him someday, I will forever feel the stain of what could have been. He will get my purity, but I won’t get his. And I have already sacrificed so much for him over the years. He’s never been there for me or sacrificed for me even in the smallest of ways. So us both being virgins was the only thing of value left.
Aside from the virgin situation, I still do love him. I can’t imagine being without him. Then again, I can’t imagine being with him. At this point, I feel like I’ve already lost him.
TLDR: The man that I’ve discussed marriage with has lost his virginity to someone else. I’m still a virgin. We both wanted to wait until marriage.