TLDR; I want to break up with my partner because I know I should (I have mental illness and I’ve treated him like shit, I should’ve ended this earlier), but I don’t know how to bring it up or logistically leave while we live together. Advice would be appreciated.
My partner (M22) and I (F22) have been together for more than a year. This is the first time I’ve had a relationship that has lasted this long. This is his first relationship, period. We had a rocky start and my mental illnesses (OCD and PTSD) have made it virtually impossible for us to have a good stretch of time together. But we have our good moments, and he is so sweet and an absolutely wonderful person. Albeit a little emotionally immature, but he’s nothing compared to me.
There have been a lot of personal reasons why I’ve considered leaving him, some irrationally fueled by my OCD (like concerns that I wasn’t attracted to him, or that I want to be with someone else), but the closest I came to making a decision to leave him until now was earlier this summer when we had an argument about feminism or something. I know our values are different but he grew up in a very particular environment and is surrounded by particular friends and he actually loves my principles and is always learning.
I think at the end of the day I will not act appropriately as per my mental illnesses. If I were not trying to make an excuse I would say I just don’t want to be in a relationship. I knew this from the beginning but I tried to ignore it because I liked him, but especially because he really wanted me to be with him, and because he made my life better in a way. Which is terribly selfish of me.
But I don’t know how to break up with him. Reasons being:
1. He will beg me not leave him.
2. He is isolated, does not speak to his friends about his personal issues, his family is going through financial issues and he is supporting them, and he’s very scared. I’m worried he will hurt himself or that he won’t be able to tolerate it.
3. He lost his virginity to me and he said he did it because he assumed he would be together forever so he was ok with it. This makes me super scared and I have thoughts like I’ve taken something from him without much thought and he won’t have it back.
4. He really only feels like he can talk to my and my cousin and her boyfriend about personal things, I would hope he would be able to continue talking them after us breaking up but it’s likely possible not.
5. We live together. I could go to my uncle/cousin’s house (I’m on iffy terms with my parents) but they live in another city and it will take a couple days to figure out my things and leave. I logistically don’t know how to do this and I don’t want to be stuck having to spend the night with him after the fact.
I also feel really bad and confused and I don’t know about the fact we still talk to each other normally, he says I love you to me I say I love you to him we gaze lovingly into each others eyes. I don’t want to ruin these days for us but I also don’t want to blindside him. We’re sick right now and just binge watching orange is the new black.
I don’t know how to breach the conversation to him or logistically leave him. Advice would be appreciated.