This is a poem about my best friend. The “her”(19F) that I(18F) mention part way is a third friend who I told about my “crush” on this girl. One of my other friends(18M) pressured me into telling “her” and since “her” and this girl are very close so “her” felt guilty about keeping the secret and told this girl(18F) and then “her” told me that she told this girl and it got really fucking messy so this is kinda a vent and kinda a love letter I guess. I basically found out I was a lesbian because of the girl this letter is about and recently she came out as bi and it just brought so many emotions flooding back because it means there’s a chance we could be together but I was also thinking she might have found out she was bi because of “her” so idek at this point but I just needed to vent because sometimes I just want to cry but I feel that this girl and I are drifting a bit so I don’t want to vent to her and I don’t want to freak her out either because I genuinely love her so much that I feel crazy so yeah, um, enjoy the letter ig?
We have allbeend friends since the beginning of high school and I've loved this girl for 2-3 years now, it recently crept up on besbit thinking back it's been awhile.
Loving your best friend is a heartache I wouldn’t wish on anyone, it feels like torture everyday we are apart. The worst part of all, is I can’t tell my best friend about all this pain, because you are my best friend, the one I fell so hard for. If it was just a crush it would be easy, but I've been feeling this way for so long that it has developed into a real love from my side. It has always been and will always be you that I long for.
You are the first person I’ve felt comfortable being intimate with. I fell so hard I didn't realize it was happening until I was drowning at the bottom. I think of you everyday, every little thing reminds me of you and your interests, of your smiles, your laugh, your humor. I find myself being lost in your eyes during every conversation, and when I lay awake unable to fall asleep, I find myself dreaming of us being together and it brings me to tears, I imagine myself in your arms, I wish we could be more. I wish we could be in contact more.
Sometimes I feel distant from you and maybe it’s because she told you, maybe it’s because she likes you, maybe it’s because you like her. The feeling is always gnawing on me that you prefer her over me. I almost feel jealous, no, I do feel jealous of your relationship with her. But then I feel terrible for feeling jealous because I want you to be happy and you are always so happy when you're with her, I hate myself and I hate this spiral of love and jealousy. I’m not pretty enough, funny enough, good enough for someone like you. It hurts knowing it will probably never happen, but I'd rather be with you as a friend than not have you at all.
All I want is to be there for you and take care of you. I want to hold you when you are down, make you soup when you are sick, drive you around wherever you please, just to be closer with you, even if we just remain as friends. I want to fix all your problems, even though it would be hard, I would try my best to make your life as peaceful as it can be.
Everytime you leave I want to curl up in bed and never leave until you return. Whenever I get a notification I hope it’s you, but it rarely is. I want to give all my energy to you and only you. I want you to want me the way I want you.I could lay in your arms forever, my head on your chest, we could spend eternity in each other’s embrace. Sometimes I just want to stare into your eyes and never need to look away. I want to hold you and kiss you, and care for you.
Sometimes I even feel lustful for you but I hate myself for it because you wouldn't want people thinking about you that way, and I don’t want to think about you that way either unless that is what you wanted. It feels so wrong, but at the same time the only person I want that way is you. It got to the point where I even thought I was asexual but I would never want to do anything like that with anyone but you. You are the only one who never leaves my mind.
I have so much love in my heart for you that it doesn’t fit, it spills into every item I make for you, every word I text or say to you, every longing look I give you. Even though I don’t believe in gods, I believe you are a goddess, you are so perfect. Your smile, your laugh, your voice, your fashion, your interests, your freckles, your weirdness, your time. You.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t even gay, then I wouldn’t have this beautiful, ugly, messy, love for you. We would just be normal friends hanging out, neither of us walking on a tightrope of love.
TL;DR, basically I really love this girl and just needed to talk about it. I'm lesbian and she recently came out as bi which sent all these feelings flooding back and I just really fucking love her to the point I feel crazy.