Hey all — I posted a couple months ago, and I’m now at the point of ending things.
I’m 28F and my boyfriend is 26M. We’ve been together about a year and a half. I’m looking for advice on how to end the relationship clearly and kindly.
Over the past few months, I’ve realized I don’t feel able to rely on him emotionally in high-stress situations. When things are hard for me, I often end up managing both my emotions and his, or pulling back from fully expressing what I’m feeling so he doesn’t spiral. I actively manage my mental health and don’t expect a partner to do that for me — but I do expect mutual support, and that balance isn’t there.
Both of us deal with depression. I can empathize deeply with that because I struggle with it myself. The difference is that I’m actively managing mine, while he isn’t really doing much to manage his. As a result, a lot of emotional responsibility has gradually shifted onto me, which isn’t sustainable long-term.
This dynamic shows up in other areas too, especially work. He’s very unhappy in his job, and I’ve tried to support him by asking what he likes, what’s tolerable, or what he might want to change. I’ve shared perspective because I’ve been in similar situations myself. But he won’t really engage in those conversations, and I’m increasingly feeling more like a coach or mentor than a partner.
He frequently talks about the future (marriage, kids), but those conversations stay very surface-level. When I ask what that actually looks like in real life — responsibilities, emotional support, handling difficult situations — he shuts down or stays vague. I need emotional and intellectual engagement, not just romantic ideas. I’ve told him this directly, but I haven’t seen meaningful change. That’s been frustrating, especially since I’ve made compromises on my end to meet his needs for verbal reassurance.
I do try to meet his needs for verbal reassurance, but it often feels like it’s never enough. For example, he’ll say “I miss you,” I’ll respond “I miss you too,” and then he’ll focus on how I said it — saying I hesitated or didn’t sound enthusiastic enough. At that point, the interaction stops feeling connecting and starts feeling like something I’m being evaluated on, which makes me shut down rather than engage further.
On paper, he’s a great guy, and I care about him. But I don’t want to manage his emotions, career dissatisfaction, or future planning for him. I don’t see this working long-term, and I don’t want to force him to change.
For those who’ve been in similar situations: how do you end a relationship like this clearly and compassionately, especially when mental health is involved, when you’re afraid the other person won’t see it coming?
TL;DR: I care about my boyfriend, but I’ve realized I’m carrying most of the emotional load. I don’t feel I can rely on him during high-stress moments, and the emotional and intellectual depth I need isn’t there. I’m looking for advice on how to end the relationship kindly, especially given mental health concerns.