I’m 33F, my husband is 34M, married 7 years, one kid (5). Day to day we’re fine, genuinely. But we keep hitting the same argument about money and it’s getting ugly fast. We both work full time. We have a joint checking for household bills and kid stuff, then separate accounts for personal spending. The blowups happen with anything over like $500-$1000 that isn’t strictly required. For him, priorities are very "future" focused: extra payments on the car loan, more into retirement, building a bigger cushion. For me, priorities are more about our actual life right now: replacing our ancient couch (it sags like a hammock), fixing the bathroom fan that’s been screaming for a year, or planning a low key family weekend so we’re not always in survival mode. Last week I wanted to book a 4 day trip to see my sister (we’d drive and stay with family, not some fancy hotel). He said we should hold off because the car needs tires and we already talked about not stacking expenses in the same month. I got mad and told him it feels like he always finds a reason to say no, and that I’m tired of having to pitch every single thing like I’m asking for permission.
Then a couple days later he mentioned putting a chunk of his bonus toward the car loan, and I pointed out that this is also a "big purchase" by our own rule. He said it’s not the same because it’s responsible, not a splurge. That’s where it starts feeling personal: I’m not out here trying to ruin us. But the subtext becomes "I’m the adult, you’re the reckless one" even if he doesn’t say it like that. He says I’m being impulsive, I say he’s being controlling, and then we both feel gross. We tried setting a threshold where we have to talk first, but the talk turns into a debate where he brings spreadsheets and I bring lived reality, and nobody wins. I’ll admit I’ve also dragged my feet on saving goals because they feel abstract, and I know that probably makes him feel like he’s carrying the long term thinking alone. But I also feel like my needs are always the "nice to have" category so they get postponed forever. How do couples decide priorities without turning it into character attacks? Do we need one joint "big purchases" fund with rules, a monthly money meeting with actual decisions, or is this mostly communication with a money costume on?