I’ve (20F) been with my boyfriend (20M) for four years, since we were both 16. We were very happy for a long time. He’s always been a very loving person — attentive, affectionate, giving me gifts, going out with me even though he doesn’t really enjoy going out. He’s the most intense person I’ve ever met when it comes to loving someone.
But there’s something that has been bothering me for about two years now. I feel like he doesn’t really listen to me. I can spend hours talking, almost monologuing, while he just agrees with everything I say. I really can’t stand that. Even so, he always replies quickly on social media and is consistently caring and sweet with me.
I feel like I’m slowly losing sexual attraction to him. He’s very childish and often jokes around by acting effeminate, pretending to be like a gay friend, and that really turns me off. He also doesn’t seem to care about presenting himself in a confident or assertive way. He makes a lot of self-deprecating jokes, and that frustrates me deeply.
On our last date, I went to his house. We had fun, spent time together, and then went to his bedroom. I looked into his eyes, but I couldn’t feel passion anymore. No matter what he did, the feeling just wasn’t there. After I left, I messaged him and told him everything I had been feeling. He had already noticed that I’d been more distant lately, and because of that, he said he had spent the last month planning dates on his own — something I had always complained about, since I felt he lacked initiative. Still, it felt like he only acted because I was close to leaving.
Recently, I met another guy (21M) at college. He listens to me, gives me attention, and actually talks with me. My boyfriend isn’t exactly jealous, but he asked me not to talk to this guy anymore, and that made me feel like my freedom was being limited.
I told my boyfriend everything I was feeling, and together we decided to try once more — to stay together for a few more months and see if the love comes back.
He is a genuinely kind and loving person. I’ve never met anyone like him. He’s always attentive, takes me to nice places, and all of my first relationship experiences were with him. Everything felt magical. And now, even though he’s still the same caring person he’s always been, I feel like something is missing. I look at him and I no longer feel that desire to have him for myself.
TL;DR: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years, since we were 16. He’s very loving and caring, but for the past couple of years I’ve felt emotionally unheard and I’m gradually losing attraction to him. I no longer feel passion or desire, even though he hasn’t changed in how affectionate he is. I also recently met someone at college who makes me feel more listened to, which made me question my relationship even more. We decided to give it a few more months to see if feelings return, but I’m unsure whether staying is the right choice or if I’m just holding on because of our history.
What should I do?