Me and my spouse are both 25. Biologically male and female, we are both nonbinary. I am the bio female in this situation… I have bipolar disorder. They have bpd, adhd and dpdr. We are both autistic.
My spouse has recently been talking to a new friend that they had met over the internet as a kid and drifted apart from for like 6 years, they recently got back on Instagram and started talking to this girl. I dont mind them having friends and honestly at first I was happy they had someone else to talk to. But it has progressed to things that have made me feel uncomfortable. AT the beginning we would be out in public, and I'd ask them to look at something or whatever engaging thing there was and I was made to wait while they texted this girl.
Then we went to Texas for a family trip. Tensions were high because my family is admittedly unbearable. It was a 14 hour drive one way. We took turns between me, my spouse and my sister driving. We'll, we went to Santa wonderland, and at the beginning I asked them to hold some stuff and they stated they didn't want to because they want to be hands free. I said thats fine, I just need you to hold it for a second while I get my stuff situated in my purse. (I had ordered ice cream, a water bottle and some chocolate truffle thing) they agreed to this and once i was settled I put my water bottle in my purse. Some time later, they point out that the water bottle is making the inside of my purse wet. Admittedly, I was annoyed. So I said "ok? I have it in here because you wanted to be hands free" this turned into a very heated argument. They insulted me, I insulted them back, I dont remember all of it. We were in line for a photo op with my family whole still arguing and they were saying the meanest shit. That I need therapy, I need to up my meds, im acting out of pocket. I apologized for how I said what I said, but it was true, they asked to be hands free and so I did what I did and then they point out something wrong with it and it annoyed me. The reason this is relevant, the whole time we were arguing, they were giving this girl live updates on our argument WHILE we were arguing. In public. I saw that they completely incorrectly quoted me too. And only told this girl what I had said, not what led up to it, not what they said etc. I voiced my concern at the time and said thats not okay. It took me begging them for an apology for like 2 days before I even heard them say sorry for it. Well, during the trip afterwards we just bickered. They were going the wrong way while driving and I raised my voice to say "go that way go that way!" And that upset them. Which i get, but i didn't want us to miss our turn. Another was when we were checking out at Walmart and I told them we had to separate transactions. They started ringing our stuff first. I told them we were gonna do my sister stuff first because they had more stuff, but I said it didn't matter because we were doing two separate ones anyway. They proceeded to try to delete stuff and made us wait because we had to have a worker come fix it. I admit I was upset and probably not the biggest thing to be upset about… but whenever we would have a disagreement, they were on their phone constantly giving this chick live updates, incorrectly quoting me etc.
This leads to the end of the trip. We finally got home. It was warmer in Texas and it was warmer when we left so we didn't have winter coats. I had a jacket and they had a jacket. They were both their jackets but they gave me one to have to cover up. We pull up to our house, me and my spouse wake up because we were sleeping, and theyre immediately nasty towards me. "Where's the fucking key? Did you lose the key? What the fuck?" And just saying a bunch of stuff i couldent quite understand because they were muttering in a hateful tone. Im freezing. We are both freezing. They stand there while i frantically open my suitcase in the middle of the road in the snow to find the key. I finally find it. They say "thank fucking god" and grab it from me. They unlock the door and come back, the car was stuffed with all of our stuff and they pulled a bag and basically almost threw it at me out of anger. I flinched due to some past trauma (not caused by them) and told them that they scared me. They literally said "I wasn't trying to fucking throw it at you, dumbass" and then they grab two bags, leave me with the rest of it by myself and go in to grab a coat only for themselves. I just grabbed everything I could and took it in. In just my jacket. I told them how this made me feel and that I was upset. They didn't apologize. They just said "well i was freezing its fucking cold out there". I told them I wasn't feeling well emotionally and would like to sleep on my own in our room.. they then accused me of not wanting them to be able to breath (they are allergic to pur cats) and said "this is fucking bullshit" and stormed off.
They told this girl that story in a much different way. They told her that they accidently moved the bag too suddenly and that was it. And that I made them sleep in the living room for only that reason.
This girl then says "you don't deserve that over a little mistake :(" keep that in mind.
Well, a couple days later, after begging them to say sorry for giving this girl live updates in the middle of an argument because it was NOT appropriate, they finally did. And they said i could read the messages.
I did read them while they were asleep, which wasn't the best choice, but I didn't want them over explaining everything and I wanted to just read it.
He had been comparing me to her. Saying she doesnt yell at him (no shit, youve never seen her and we live together, we are going to argue sometimes, plus, they yell at me all the time?) They send hearts after their messages together. They had a video call that they deliberately hid from me and TOLD her they were hiding it from me to "spare my feelings" saying they were giddy to hear eachothers voices, and then they said a bunch of stuff that they've never told me. How they would try any of the food they made because it came from them (they won't try things I've made, not even sweets, and I know im not a terrible baker) they do have sensory issues so I chalked it up to that but seeing them say that to someone else just makes me feel inadequate.
They told them "I'll fix up my car so I can come down and visit you" mind you, I helped them get that car, and taught them how to upkeep it, oil changes etc. Well, these last 3 years they've let it sit. Relying on my car to go to and from places. I told them I dont want to meet her, because she literally accused me of being an abuser and compared me to an abuser at one point due to me making them sleep on the couch one time because they made me feel unsafe. And they told her they would fix up their car to go meet her. Alone.
This woman is 3 months postpartum and has a fucking boyfriend.
She complains about her boyfriend to them too.
At one point we were having a screaming match because I told them this behavior makes me uncomfortable and that I wished they were honest with me about this stuff and that I wish they would care more about my feelings They just defended it saying (literally) "I DO care more about her feelings right now because she doesnt yell at me!" Like everything they accuse me of, they also do to me. On top of confiding in this girl without trying to talk to me appropriately about it first. Well, I did make a mistake. They put their headphones on after I expressed that what theyre doing is making me upset and I attempted to grab them off of their head. I had never done something like that.. I also blocked them from leaving our room because they just kept screaming at me while ignoring any point I brought up about this girl. Im not proud of it. But they slept out in the living room for like 2 days (even though they said they cant breath out there due to cat hair, and then actually got a hotel the third night) of course, this girl rationalized their behavior saying they deserve to feel safe. But when I made them sleep out there because they purposefully made me flinch (they said it wasn't on purpose but with how mean they were acting it felt thay way, especially because they insulted me after I told them they scared me) she tells them "you don't deserve that :(" as if I dont deserve to feel safe too???
They bought her a 400 tablet for animation. They had gotten me a different one for Christmas because I am practicing German. They lied and said they didn't do as much research as they did for mine and their messages say otherwise. My spouse was researching this tablet for them for days before picking one. That's fucking weird to buy us almost the same gift. As well as sending them other things in the mail like tea cups and tea and little trinkets. They only have that money to spend on her because I pay all the bills. (Which im perfectly fine with, we agreed on that, because I make more, so they just put money back for savings) but it still hurts deeply to see that. I have screenshots of almost everything they've lied to me about. That money we are saving is to leave the U.S because as trans people we dont feel safe here. So for them to go and spend that much on a friend they haven't spoken to in years is insane to me.
These two talk with hearts after their messages, talk about how giddy they are to hear and see eachother, complain about their partners to eachother without even trying to talk it out with their partners first, and everything they've told this girl is completely one sided. And when I brought that up, they'd backpeddle and say "well I told them the full details in the video call!" Why the hell would you not give the full details first? Because now it sounds like you deliberately left stuff out, waited for them to console you, then called them just to say "yeah I was actually really mean" and if thats what they really did, thats weird and manipulative towards this girl on my partners part.
They have told her that they will ALWAYS be in STANDBY for them of they aren't feeling great. But when I tell them I want to talk about this because im hurt, they suddenly dont have enough energy. And that just seems like they are once again putting her feelings before mine.
We finally had a talk last night and I thought it went well. They even gave me their phone to read the rest of the messages. But I found out more stuff they said (what I've already mentioned) and when they were in our room trying to sleep for work, I admittedly broke down and said why would you not tell me you said these things yourself. Why are you making it so I have to find out in my own? Especially because they had gone to the park to have a private phone call with them and never told me about it during our (what I thought was nice) conversation. They made me have to find it myself. And that just hurts me more and feels like they were trying to hide what they said in the phone call.
When I attempted to talk to them about it while we were in our bedroom, they said it was yelling and I was making every conscious effort to not yell, I was just crying. And I fully believe I wasn't yelling. Well, they ended up raising their voice, saying the conversation didn't mean things were okay again and that they didn't have the energy for this. I told them "what did you expect to happen after letting me read the messages and find out what I did, that I would just bottle it up and not want to talk about it?" They just repeated over and over that" this is fucking stupid, stop talking to me, im trying to sleep leave me alone" etc
And I get they had to sleep but like… why not just tell me you had another call with her while we were having a civil convo?? Why let me find it myself with no explanation?? It just feels like they want to hurt my feelings. And I've apologized for when I was mean and that I understand i shouldent have reacted the way I did in the circumstances but like… theyre making me feel crazy for being insecure about this… and they'll be nice and really sorry about stuff at one point, but then when I try to address a different issue it's all "we have our plates full and we cant address this all at once" like i told them im not trying to address it all at once but I want you to know that this is hurting my feelings and youre jsut blowing it off and saying im the one blowing this out of proportion… and like with these condos with this girl they'll say something nice about me every once in a while. But most of the time its them gushing about how this girl deserves the best, and that they are sorry they cant answer soon enough etc.
I have screenshots I am more than willing to post but this is a long of typing and there are a LOT of screenshots… but if anyone wants me to reiterate why I feel the way I do and what was said to make me feel that way, I am more than happy to give you that information or go deeper into something.
I just want someone to give an honest outside perspective. I know we are both wrong about some stuff and we've admitted it, but they dont seem to think this has evolved into emotional cheating and I think it has… I just need advice..
TLDR: it would probably best to read all of it because it is complicated, but basically my spouse has been talking to this girl and I feel it has gotten more and more innapropriate and one sided and she has basically insulted me for doing things they have also done and my spouse isn't being honest with them because they want validation.