TLDR; boyfriend who has never cheated but has bent the truth has a bunch of tats from his tattoo artist ex gf which reminds me of her every day. How do I cope ?
My (24f) boyfriend (27m) dated his ex for 4 years (3 years ago). They had a toxic relationship but when they broke up it wasn’t a clean break. They were still talking on and off when we met/first started seeing each other last fall (I didn’t know this until a few months in, found out he lied at the start of our relationship which I hate but am trying to get over). She is a tattoo artist and he has an arm sleeve of tattoos and 2 big leg tats done by her. Including a tattoo of an eye on the back of his arm that he says isn’t hers but looks kinda uncanny. He has cut off contact and blocked her but I am naturally quite insecure about this. I can’t help but overthink things and think of her every time I see the tattoos. It’s gotten to the point that I obsess over them/her and am constantly trying to read into the meaning of them and wonder if he thinks of her when he sees them to. It even happens while we are being intimate. What do I do about this? How do I stop the rumination?
9 comments
You get therapy. This is not something he can (or should have to) change just because you have an irrational issue with it. Therapy or break up and let him live his life with someone who respects his past and his current actions.
break up. He was lying and should just get back together with her
you have to let it go. this takes time, and work, and possibly therapy, but it’s necessary for you to overcome your insecurity in this regard,
if you can’t, then you can’t date this guy.
just remember that he’s not with her; he’s with you. he doesn’t want to be with her, he wants to be with you. he chooses to be with you, because you matter to him.
she doesn’t matter, she’s not part of your relationship. so it’s unnecessary to waste your limited time and energy on someone who doesn’t matter and isn’t part of your relationship.
Sounds like you have an unhealthy obsession based on insecurity and you’re blowing something up and fixating it and potentially sabotaging the relationship because of it. Relax and let it go, or have an adult conversation with him where you lead with vulnerability and honesty while owning that you’re potentially just paranoid.
Your insecurities will kill this relationship if you don’t learn how to move on. Is he supposed to get all his ink covered by someone else to placate your insecurities? That’s a lot of cash to fork out. Are you going to pay for it, or is he expected to. He had this ink before you started this relationship, and look at it this way, you can always find a new bf who doesn’t have any ink, but may his relationship with his mom and sisters will be too much for you. Seek therapy, and do better.
How did you find out that he lied? How long did he let the lie go on? I can kind of understand your hesitation to trust him in regards to her.
I think that talking to a therapist to work through it one way or the other is probably the best thing to do. It’s basically the same thing as making a reddit post, you’re talking to a neutral third party. Except, therapists are much more likely to give you solid advice than the reddit crowd is. 😂
You accept he has a past. Or just move on without him.
I am always amazed when women state with certainty that he ‘never cheated.’
How can they possibly know this? PI? Psychic? Hypnosis?
Conversely, how many times do we hear: “He’s the LAST person I would ever have suspected . . .”
Just wondering.
Do you think you’d still bothered by this girl or his tatts if he:
* Wasn’t still in touch with her when he started dating you
* Didn’t lie to you about being in touch with her
I don’t think you’re anxious about this ex or the tattoos — I think you’re anxious because you don’t trust your boyfriend.
If you trusted him, these tatts wouldn’t bother you; they’d just be relics of a past he had before you. Right now, you don’t trust whether the past is *actually* the past, because he wasn’t honest before.