I’m a 22F dating a 24M for two years now and I feel like our sexual chemistry has been slowly fading. We go on regular dates, we talk every day, we care about each other. But emotionally and physically, it’s starting to feel more like a friendship than a romantic relationship. The only time where we seem to actually enjoy speaking to each other is when there’s gossip or when I’m rage-baiting him. Many times I’ve caught myself saying “say something” and he’s like “I don’t have anything” and I am like okay.
The biggest issue for me is effort around attraction and flirting. I compliment my boyfriend all the time on how he looks, how smart he is, how attractive he is to me. I flirt with him, initiate affection, and try to keep that spark alive. He almost never does the same. He doesn’t compliment me unless I explicitly ask, and even then it feels forced. Like even the way I do it is so pathetic, I go “wow I look hot in this dress” and he’s like “yeah”. I hate that I have to beg for basic reassurance. It’s reached a point where it genuinely makes me feel ugly and unwanted, even though I know that might not be his intention. I understand that he’s under a lot of stress right now. He’s preparing for government exams and also working full time which is intense and mentally exhausting. But at the same time, I’m working two jobs, juggling my own stress, and I still manage to be attentive flirty because that’s important to me. It hurts feeling like I’m the only one trying to keep that side of the relationship alive.
What makes this even more confusing is that he’s always been a naturally reserved person. I knew this before we started dating, and I don’t want to pressure him to become someone he’s not. I don’t want to “change” him or make him feel inadequate. But I also don’t know how to communicate that my needs aren’t being met without it sounding like an attack. I’m the first year of our relationship, whenever I’d go back to my hometown, I’d text him constantly about how hard it was being away from him, how much I missed having sex, how much I wanted him. Now I don’t feel that ache anymore. And that honestly scares me the most. He doesn’t do it either. I don’t want to wake up one day and realise the desire is just gone. I can’t remember the last time he said he missed me by himself without my saying I miss him or him complimenting me without me initiating it. It honestly hurts because it has happened now that other men who I know or men on the street have stopped to compliment me and earlier I just used to be annoyed because I had everything I needed from my bf and now sometimes I feel a little happy. Of course I’d never even think about being unfaithful or about hurting him but it pains me that he is giving me the impression that he no longer finds me attractive.
I don’t know how to talk about this honestly without making it seem like an attack because I feel a large part of this is indeed on him. I always like to look at situations from a us vs the problem perspective and I don’t want this to turn into a me vs him thing.
Tl;DR: spark dying in our relationship. Boyfriend rarely initiates flirting or affection. What to do.