TLDR: my best friend has made me seem like a bad friend, moved abusive boyfriend in secretly, has been avoiding me for months, but I still want to support her.
My best friend is in a toxic turned abusive relationship and I don’t know what to do. My best friend, calling her Emma, has been in this relationship for almost 10 years, dating back to our mid teenage years. They met online (Omegle) when we were around 15 and have been in an online relationship up until this summer. She’s flown to meet him twice, once in 2021, and again in 2023. Each time, she paid for everything. Flight, hotel (bc she could never stay with his family, ofc), food, and any activities. They have broken up probably 20 times at least throughout the whole relationship, and half of those being in the last 4 years. Each time, she has been an absolute wreck and loses her mind and im always there.
He is significantly older, has no license, a suspended ID, no job, and has never had a place of his own, until this summer when my best friend moved him into her house, unbeknownst to me (found out from her family telling me.)
Emma opened up to myself and our other best friend around spring of 2024. We knew the relationship was bad, as there was a history of her getting wasted and crying over him, and her openly telling us he blocked her for whatever reason. However, it was new to us (though, we DID suspect this) her boyfriend was not allowing her to see us, despite him being states away, she was lulled by the manipulation each time. I made the mistake once of telling her she deserves better than this. She got mad at me and told me she could “say a lot of things” about my relationships. I have not had toxic or abusive relationships before.
She has lied on myself and my best friend’s names to her family, attesting stories of us being shitty friends, that NEVER happened. Her brother actually called me once to ask about what happened one night we went out. She went as far to say I saw her being assaulted at the bar and did nothing. I am still hurt she would say that. It did not happen and I would NOT have let it happen. She also didn’t tell me she mentioned ANY of this to her brother, and picked up as normal each time I saw her after.
Everything changed this summer. I wanted to see her early July, but she had been avoiding me. I was trying to make plans with her, the kind she would typically jump on, but she was oddly dismissive. I had a weird feeling. I couldn’t understand why. Of course, I later find out from her family that she actually picking up her boyfriend from the airport to move him into her house.
She has been radio silent since. We have loosely talked about our nephews/nieces, holidays, and birthday texts, but she hasn’t told me ANY of what’s happened in the last 6 months. She hasn’t even told me her boyfriend moved in.
She reached out to see me a few weeks ago, when I was dealing with a family member in the hospital. I didn’t have the time or energy to consider seeing her. But I also didn’t bring this on myself the way she did.
I’m hurt by her actions. It makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong to her as a friend to where she doesn’t think I’m someone she can talk to. We’ve been best friends for about 13 years, connected families, I’ve always seen her family as an extension of my own, both of us loved by mine and hers.
I’m more hurt about her putting me down at her boyfriend’s expense. I don’t support his abusive tendencies, but I miss my best friend. I can’t help but to feel that she’s chosen this relationship over our friendship.
What do I do? Do I talk to her? Do I try to maintain our friendship, despite the situation? Am I wrong if I don’t want to have a part of her life anymore?