Tl;dr – My husband and his family are blunt and tease each other, and now me as a sign of affection. I'm sensitive due to abuse and therapy hasn't helped my openness to teasing, which is hurting my marriage.
Me: dysfunctional family with verbal abuse, SAd by two ex boyfriends
My husband: well-adjusted, relaxed and happy family
My husband and family's love language is teasing each other. The longer we've been together the more comfortable he is poking fun at me lightly, especially around family during the holidays. His family pokes fun at each other and me pretty constantly about basically anything. They also make a ton of sexual references and innuendos, joke about not having enough sex and whatnot. Which isn't something I can really make light of due to my past.
The problem is that I experience a lot of it in a sensitive way (totally involuntarily). I don't really have comebacks, and sometimes it even drives me to tears when it's something sensitive like my appearance or sex related (which I would excuse myself to do).
I've brought this up to him and he told me, basically this is how we communicate, and how we show affection, it's not going to change. I should add that it is all clearly lighthearted fun, so I don't blame him for being frustrated. I'm quite literally the only one in the family with all his siblings and their wives and cousins that can't take a joke, and it's embarrassing. I feel a ton of shame for not being fun!
I'm in therapy and working on acceptance of my sensitivity but that doesn't help my marriage. How do I fix this?
34 comments
You are not too sensitive. Your husband is a bully.
If someone doesn’t like it, it’s no longer teasing it’s bullying. Not that you need to share everything, but does his family know how it impacts you? I have a friend group who likes to tease, but we just don’t tease certain people in the same way bc it isn’t received well. It’s not that hard to change how you’re acting to make someone a ton more comfortable, if his family is kind I think they’d be receptive.
Is there someone you’re closer to in the family, like his mom? Maybe you could talk to her? But tbh ur husband should talk to them and it’s not cool that he’s so dismissive
“love language is teasing”
lol I swear people just be making up therapy speak to justify any and all behaviors
I think it’s ok to say you are uncomfortable with the teasing verbally to his family, if you are becoming close with them. You can also say it one on one to a family member as well if that’s easier. How can the family stop if they don’t know you don’t like it? Husband probably doesn’t know how to bring it up to his family either. So you could provide him the words “can you tell your mom/dad/sister/brother that I don’t feel comfortable being teased and would prefer if it’s not directed at me.”
“Please stop. I don’t like it and it’s not in my nature.”
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If they cared about you and were actually a well-adjusted family, you could tell them that you know they don’t intend for it to be hurtful, but you grew up in an abusive household. This means that it hits you differently and you’d like for them not to do it. To that, they would have no problem. THAT would be healthy and well adjusted. You are not the problem here.
You don’t have to accept that love language. Tell them it isn’t okay with you and if they continue, they won’t have a relationship with you
A joke is only a joke if everyone is laughing.
My family likes to call each other “big dummies” from time to time, and we see it as loving and joking. My husband does not think name calling is funny, and asked me to stop doing it with him. I stopped.
Your husband and his family are rude if you’ve expressed discomfort with their teasing and they keep doing it.
This is the “love language” of my own family and let me tell you, there’s no faster way to erode a relationship than this.
There’s nothing you need to fix about your reaction. You don’t like it! It has nothing to do with “being able to take a joke”. It’s not funny. There’s no joke to take. It’s only lighthearted fun if EVERYONE is having fun with it. You are fun, just not constant ribbing and teasing and sex jokes. That isn’t fun for everyone all the time.
In my own family, I can take a small amount of this behaviour and then I’m done. And if I bring up an opposition, l’ll often get “it’s a joke” or “have a sense of ha-ha” or “oh come on, it’s funny”. My family isn’t interested in changing. So I change how much time I spend with them. It’s not a satisfying answer, but it’s saved me a lot of frustration and annoyance to put my mental health above their “love language”.
I‘m calling bullshit on the “teasing”. It probably feels cruel. If you still want to stay with your husband, about all you can do is ignore it, and when they ask why you;re not laughing, the answer is “oh, was that a joke? I didn’t hear anything funny”.
My first husband also thought it was really funny to scare me by jumping out of hallways, etc. and scaring me. It didn’t matter that I told him it wasn;t funny and was going to give me a heart attack. I divorced that bastard because he didn’t care.
They KNOW it hurts you and they continue to do it. I would stop spending time with the family and tell him he is on thin ice
That is NOT a well adjusted family. You are being gaslit and deserve to be treated with respect and compassion
Hey so it turns out if something is *actually* intended as an expression of affection, that is, if the person doing it actually *feels affection* toward you, then when what they’re doing makes you cry they *fucking stop*. On account of all the affection. We don’t want to actually hurt people we like, let alone people we love.
If their reaction to finding out their “expression of affection” hurt you is to be like “buck up,”, then they’re just being assholes.
My husband and I love to tease each other but any time either of us felt it went too far we tell each other, stop and apologize. We love to tease but we love each other more
It’s bullying and quite honestly in my opinion is verbal abuse….. from his family as well. With me you need to very careful watch his family how they are. Most people have such traumatic childhoods weird stuff like this seems so normal when it’s NOT.
“My husband: well-adjusted, relaxed and happy family…”
I didn’t see how well-adjusted and relaxed your husband is.
He is someone that doesn’t respect your feeling and instead tries to explain why they tease.
“My husband and family’s love language is teasing each other.”
Where did you read that teasing is a love language?
OP.
You’re so desperate for this to be your fault.
You disagree with every reply that advises you on why it isn’t. I have siblings. We agrue and tease each other.
This isn’t that.
They are mean ass bullies and you’re too traumatized to see that he’s found a lovely new target. You have a busted meter for normalcy and they twist things accordingly, making your reaction “too much*.
You can’t harden yourself to nastiness or abuse. Either will eventually crush you.
Make of that what you will.
This relationship is never going to work. You’re two entirely different people and one of you enjoys being mean and making their spouse cry. This is sadistic.
My family teases constantly. Its affectionate. But if i married someone who could not handle it, id explain the problem and they would stop. Has he told them? What is his excuse for doing it when he knows it’s traumatic for you?
My family does a lot of teasing and innuendos BUT only with people who are laughing with us. We would never tease someone who wasn’t also joining in and enjoying it, that immediately takes all the fun out of it. The fact that you’ve got to the point of tears before and they’ve continued is crazy!
We are relentless in my family UNLESS we know someone among us is not. Then we turn it off immediately. And anyone that steps out of line after that is quickly shamed.
Saying that’s how we are and express love means we also turn it off if it stops being loving.
If you’ve asked them to stop and they don’t stop, they’re not teasing you, they’re bulling you. And the fact your husband doesn’t stand up for you means he doesn’t respect your stance on this. I’m really sorry, OP, but I don’t think this is a reconcilable difference.
My family is like this and I hate it. I’ve tried talking to them about it and sometimes they double down. I’m sorry I know how much jt sucks.
Don’t call bullying teasing. Those are 2 different things. Bullying someone to the point of tears is not affection. You are being gaslit. And your husband is not protecting you even after you have expressed that “teasing” is hurtful. You *should* be blaming him since he is the one who can control the situation.
Sexual jokes with inlaws is creepy.
You very much married the wrong person with the wrong dynamic, I am not saying he is a bad person but I am super curious how you ended up in the place you are.
I am concerned that you are blaming yourself for all this.
I am wondering if you have had therapy and if you believe it was effective?
When you are by yourselves does your husband use teasing as his “love language”? How do you respond to it?
I can’t stand sarcasm and poking fun as a replacement for actual humor and love. That type of “humor” is usually a way to deflect uncomfortable feelings and/or used as a way to say what they really think of you under the guise of joking.
If their ribbing was actually coming from a good place, then they would be capable of understanding of why you don’t like it and would stop.
It’s not showing affection if the receiver does not feel it is affectionate.
I am sorry but your husband is an ass who does not understand the meaning of boundaries and consent. He is trying to “make you” agree with him it’s affectionate, which makes him even more of an ass. He’s bullying you to ignore your boundaries in his favour.
His family is equally terrible for making sexual comments and comments about your *appearance* knowing how you feel about it. They sound like they are all stuck in junior high school. They are *rude* at best, but personally I would consider them *cruel bullies*.
Your husband is included in that, by the way. You have the right to have a partner who listens, trusts, respects you and stands up for you.
I am sorry you have been made to believe you are the one who must change to accept people running over your boundaries. You are not the problem here. What does your therapist say?
You’re not sensitive. They are emotionally unintelligent, immature and mean. I like to tease people affectionately too but I feel them out first to see if it would be okay or not. Also, if I said something that didn’t land right, I would be so upset that I inadvertently hurt someone.
Your husband may not be as abusive as past partners but he’s still an AH from a family of AHs.
i’m sorry you’re dealing with this 🥺
i understand both of your views and feelings in my own way—my family also teases and makes jokes to show love—but i’m also an extremely sensitive and traumatized person and sometimes cry even tho i know it’s all love. sometimes things just hurt even though you know it’s lighthearted—there’s a few jokes i am NOT okay with n will actually make me cry fs, and when those jokes are directed towards me i have to make a boundary n say something like “hey i know it was a joke but please don’t make that joke towards/around me, it’s something that i’m actually really sensitive about” and my bf and family respect those boundaries. that being said, have you talked to your husband’s family about being more sensitive with some of their jokes? or have you only talked to your husband about it?
the fact that your husband didn’t even think about asking his family to be a little more accommodating with some of their jokes is kinda sad 🙁 but i can understand that that is his family dynamic, but he should care about your feelings enough to at least try and ask them to keep you in mind. his family’s jokes aren’t more important than your well being, and any good person would realize this and try and help/stop making certain jokes towards/around you.
coming back to one of my questions: have you talked to his family members either directly or in a group setting about some of the jokes that trigger you? im sure that if they care about you and your well being they would probably try and be more accommodating with their jokes when you’re around. again im sorry your husband didn’t even think to say something 🙁 but that isn’t the only option, it’s actually really healthy to stand up and put your own boundaries on the table yourself, i know it can be so daunting and scary but ITS WORTH IT. YOU are worth it!!!
and at the end of the day, if they say something like “nah f*ck u, i say what i want” and mean it—then you now learn their true nature/feelings about you, and then it’s a whole other story.
It qualifies as lighthearted and good-natured teasing ONLY if both parties enjoy it. Otherwise it’s abuse. This has nothing to do with you being too sensitive or not being able to take a joke.
I’m sure they mean well, but the family and your husband clearly don’t understand what you’re going through. I think you need to stand up for yourself and stop seeing this as a personal failing that you need to fix. He needs to have your back and tell his family to tease someone else. It might be hard for them to understand, but the two of you have to stand your ground or you’ll end up miserable.
If your husband can’t understand how important this is, you might need to try some form of counseling where there’s a safe and neutral space in which you can really be heard.
Our family is one of those that tease each other a lot. We went through a lot growing up and humour is our comfort. But we do not do it to people who don’t like it. We prefer the people and their presence more than we prefer our stupid little jokes. It’s not hard to hold back and leave people alone. Sounds like your husband prefers his silly jokes over your comfort.