Hey everyone. I have been in therapy for years and I am realizing something that hurts more and more. I will never forget what my father did to us growing up.
There were three of us. Three boys. Our mom died when I was 10. After that it felt like our father became a stranger. Or maybe he always was and I only started to see it clearly.
He would go around our community talking bad about us. Telling lies. Gossiping about his own sons like we were his rivals. He collected our rent money and instead of helping us or saving it he spent it on other kids. He always had time and energy for his friends. Married women. Prostitutes. Anyone except his own children.
On her deathbed my mom told us to leave him. Imagine hearing that from a dying parent. It has stayed with me my entire life.
I think what I am struggling with is this question. Why? Why was he like that? Why would a father hate his own kids but bend over backwards for strangers? I feel like if I could understand it maybe I could breathe a little easier. Maybe the flashbacks and memories wouldn’t feel like they own me.
I know I will never fully forget. Trauma has a way of living in your bones. But I am trying to understand it so I can stop blaming myself.
If anyone here grew up with a parent like this or understands this type of behavior… I would really appreciate your insight. I just want to know what makes someone like that. And how you learned to move on.
Thanks for reading.