Minor Update: Got results of STI panel back and I am clean, so that is a relief.

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Original Post:

I (31M) am married to my wife (30F) for about two years and we dated for about a year and a half before that. We both work different jobs and earn good money, with her earning more than I do. My wife had two serious relationships before me. The first BF was verbally and emotionally abusive once he physically removed her from his place. Her second relationship ended as he did not want to get married and have kids. Our dating phase was normal/good in a sense that I did not see anything problematic. Our families love us and we got married. In general we have a good life, we are satisfied in our bedroom, we are on very good terms with our families and have become close to each others' parents and siblings, no financial troubles, we have become friends with each others' friend circles. We both care for each other and there is absolutely nothing that has happened which would have made me suspect anything amiss. There were some ups and downs initially but nothing serious, and we are talking about trying to have a baby.

I never check her phone, nor have I ever done it to anyone I was with. But that night we were out, and my phone had died. I used her phone to call a family member to let them know our ETA and I saw some messages which were disturbing. There were messages from both of her Exes in the phone. Without reading those messages, I asked her about them. Her reply was that she was not communicating with them but they were trying to reach out to her and that they were acting pathetic (her words, not mine.) She apologized and said there was nothing going on, and that she will put a stop to it.

That night we both went to bed, but I was not satisfied with her answer, so when she slept, I took her phone again and really went through the chats.

General Tone: She had been in that sort of thing with both of her Exes, including the abusive one, and there was a third guy where the conversation was very intimate, though not sexual (saying things like "I was supposed to forget about you after I got married, but I still love you" etc. etc.). With both of the exes there was a lot of sexting, pictures shared, and discussions about what to do when they meet up, as well as reminiscing of their times together. To both of them she had claimed that they were the only Ex she was talking to.

Weird Conversation 1: She described to her Ex how she got drunk and smoked some pot and ended up having sex with a coworker, saying "Remember how I told you I would never cheat on my husband? I got drunk, and had some weed and ended up having sex with XYZ. He actually tore my blouse." I don't know if this is true or just a fantasy because I would have noticed torn clothes, nor has she stayed a night out since we got married, though she has gone to "work parties."

Weird Conversation 2: Planning on visiting the Ex, and him asking when you guys (implying me and her) come here what will you tell your husband? And she replied, I won't even bring my husband here.

Weird Conversation 3: Descriptions to abusive Ex what we did in bed, and how/why they never tried that particular thing, and the conversation descended from there into a very disturbing rape fantasy.

Weird Conversation 4: She planned a nice first anniversary trip for me, and asked her Exes for recommendations, like WTF?

Weird Conversation 5: On our anniversary night, we had sex and I slept and she had started sexting them about what she did to me in bed and how she wanted to do that to them, with me sleeping right besides her.

Thing which shocked me the most was how disrespectful they were to her in those messages, calling her the C word and a w**re and bi*ch. Like how could you let anyone talk to you like that? And are you really enjoying this demeaning talk? And these conversations were going on like that from even before we met.

I took screenshots of many of these conversations, woke her up and confronted her. She admitted that she was sexting but claims nothing physical has ever happened and it was just a fantasy. She also promised that she would break it off. When I told her to call them, she said that she is emotionally exhausted and we can do it the next day. The next day, after work, I asked her about it and she said she did it while at work, whereas I had expressly told her that I wanted to know how she breaks it off. It is been a few weeks now, she is still keeping her phone locked and changed the pattern so I would not see it.

She later talked to one of her close girl-friends, whom I also know. That friend later called me, and it turns out that my wife had painted a picture that there was some conversation with a couple of guys (wife did not mention that they were her Exes, because she knows that the fried never liked them) which became a little flirtatious but nothing more, and blamed me for invasion of privacy.

Baby is on hold for now. Wife says she has completely stopped and wants our marriage to work, but I still have red flags; Firstly that she did not end it in front of me as I had specifically asked, Secondly she is still connected to them on social media. Thirdly, she has changed the phone pattern, and now regularly updates the pattern and even put additional lock on the conversation app. Apart from this, she is great in bed, a loving wife, we go on dates and have fun in-general, cares for me and for both families, gels well with all of my friends and goes out of her way to be helpful and supportive to everyone. What is going on here? What sort of behavior is this? Is it even fixable or is that just who she is?

EDIT: This happened a few weeks ago though I just posted it today, which is why I am able to write without emotionally breaking down right now. We already went to a counselor one of my friends recommended (that friend does not know any details.) That counselor basically said "Look she is sorry, this is a horrible thing that happened but now look forward in your relationship."

After lurking on Reddit, I bought and read "Not Just Friends" based on advice some Redditors gave on some other threads, and agreed with that book. I did not accept that advice because it is just a recipe for a disaster in the future.

We have now booked three sessions with a licensed Psychologist, who will evaluate us individually and then a joint session, and recommend next steps or refer to a psychiatrist etc. but that won't take place until after the holidays. In the meanwhile I have also booked an appointment with a lawyer, but again because of the season I won't be able to meet with him until later in January.


29 comments

  1. She is compartmentalizing her life. Maybe a narcissist or maybe bipolar, but it doesn’t matter as she will always act this way – Rinse, lather, repeat. There is no fixing her, only you deciding if you want to live with this for the rest of your life.

  4. Man, she needs to watch you pack a bag silently. There’s nothing left to say. If you stay with this woman you will never ever be able to believe a single word she says. She’s not sorry. She hates that you know about it but she doesn’t respect you enough to be sorry. You got played, bro. She cheated on both of those exes too. I guarantee it.

    Respect yourself enough to cut your losses.

  5. She says she had a ONS with one of her co workers and you are worried about emotional affairs with her ex’s?

  7. Brand new account describes truly unbelievable and deplorable behavior by his spouse and asks *what’s going on* and whether it’s *fixable*.

    I mean, really?

  9. Seriously, you don’t know what to do after reading all that? If you stay, you only have yourself to blame for the heart ache you will be experiencing going forward.

  11. You are married to a Liar and a serial cheater, do not bring a baby into this mess. She doesn’t love you or respect you

  12. I’d ask for proof of therapy – in case she decides to use it as a cover for her fantasies… with multiple emotional affairs it’s suspicious that not one of them is physical as she states. I’d also get tested and ask that friend to help keep tabs on her behavior. Consult a divorce attorney. They can help give you advice and an exit strategy should you decide to go that way.

  14. jfc red flags galore. you are not her only man but she is making you believe that you are. i would get tf out of there asap. i was getting pissed off reading this 🥴

  15. I’m sorry but it don’t sound like she is really going to stop. For one she didn’t take responsibility to her friend- is still in denial and kind of playing victim. Also she made sure you wouldn’t be able to look at all… red flag in itself- after breaking trust that’s the last thing she should do.

  18. What is wrong with you mate? Any man with a tiny bit self respect will divorce her ?

  19. The immediate locking phone behaviour is a huge red flag, remorseful people immediately give you access or tell you you can access whenever and they will unlock

  22. Based on your descriptions, this seems to be a deeply rooted personality trait she has. The fact instead of trying to reconcile and show that she is doing everything to regain your trust, she has resorted to be more private is alarming. This likely means she is not willing to let go of the affairs she has and likely to continue them with better ways to hide.

    You have three options:

    1. Reconcile and turn a blind eye to her affairs if you are happy the way things are. However, make sure to get regular STD tests or wear protection. Strongly recommend not having a child since there is a high likelihood of relationships failing when there is no transparency and trust mutually.

    2. Reconcile and open the marriage, so both of you explore others without guilt or secrecy. Once again best not to have children for the same reason I mentioned before.

    3. Divorce soon and focus on building a new life.

    These are the three likely options since your wife has a strong attachment to her weird affairs. I didn’t suggested the option of reconcile with her stoping communication with other because she is not showing signs of remorse and recognize her mistakes. It is near impossible to come to a healthy relationship from that.

    Also, it makes most sense to divorce now and move on as your relationship is young and you can still get out with minimum trauma. You trying to reconcile and putting effort with that not being reciprocated by your wife will put a huge emotional drain on your and traumatize you. She might be acting loving and you might think she would care enough to not traumatize you, but look at what she has done already. She clearly doesn’t care for your wellbeing and the person who stands to lose most psychologically is you since you care for her. The trust between you two is broken and if you decide to stay, you will be in constant anxiety whether she’s being truthful.

    I know it is not easy to walk away OP and I am sorry that you are going through this. You have an important decision right now. You will find happiness again. make sure to resolve this with minimum trauma, cause if you get more traumatize from the effort to fix this mess, that will effect your future relationships.

  23. Yuck dude. This is all kinda of fucked up. Did you find out if she screwed her coworker? Did she open her phone and apps back up for you? Did you end up calling her exes with her? Yuck yuck yuck

  24. So she’s a cheater. She’s had multiple affairs on you. She’s not gonna change that so she is. Also, you can’t have reconciliation unless she’s completely remorseful which she is not. She has continued to lie to you and then one of the things for you to continue as she needs to have complete open access for you to her phone and instead she’s doing the exact opposite. You need to give her consequences for her actions or she will continue to do them.

  27. Dump her ass and find something younger, your first mistake was marrying in your own age group.

  28. Dude run!!!!!! You don’t need someone taking your money to tell you that your wife has deed deep issues. Or a fetish, this seems like she mislead you and she will keep disrespecting you and your marriage. You need to run and focus on yourselves, will it hurt yes but in the long run you will be better. If you stay you are going to live a nice miserable life. Good luck

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