I'm a 36 year blue collar guy and my friend group "B" is more younger white collar group, so i dont feel i can be mysef full. Feel boxed in, though most of them are chill
Over the past year when we hang out I'm usually the guy who can make everyone laugh. Sometimes I like to use self depreciating humor, cause I don't take myself to seriously. That being said there have been 2 times that younger MEN mid 20's will use that as leverage or rope to hang me out to dry. Other than that these 2 guys and I tend to have indepth conversations. But when any of the women come along they try to use these "self jokes" to dunk on me even after the conversation has past. Or making a hill out of a mole hill with a comment I said. Basically doesnt give me any room to be part of the joke. Uses my own joke to make me a joke. And I dont want to make fun of these guys cause it can make them look bad in front of mixed company.
Now I'm all for a little banter, but I dont feel like I can go at these guys like I would my work friends especially with the guys wife right there. (Shes a sweet heart and I have a rule of never disrespecting a man in front of his wife, kids or parents.) So I feel pigeon holed.
I actually respect these guys intellectually so I always like to have meaningful conversations outside the occasional joke session. But it got to the point we were in a loud bar at s table and Dude 1 said tell use one of these stupid stories. I looked him dead in the eyes and said loud enough for him to hear (and a woman im close friends with) "here's a story why dont you shut the fuck up" hes been pretty cool since. Now 5'5" dude with the wife is the issue now. How do I without just being quiet in conversation or resorting to violence handle this situation. Other than the dog piling he and I actually get a long. I dont want to have to fell i need to be on guard around a dude, especially a younger guy I dont feel is a physical theat. I guess I feel I'm too decent and comfortable around this guy and hes taking advantage of it.
I feel if I pull him to the and talk to him or just not talk as much I'm being kind of soft about it. Maybe I am in general. I guess thats why there's reddit for these questions.
33 comments
Do you think he respects you and is ignorant, or genuinely doesn’t respect you?
If he’s just ignorant, pull him to the side.
If he’s not, make him respect you. Can be funny, like “damn bro let me find my wife too” or less funny like “hating ass mf”
I would just be straight up about it and say something like, “hey, just because I use some self deprecating humor sometimes, that doesn’t give everyone else permission to use me as their go to punchline.”
That sounds incredibly frustrating. It sounds like you handled the first guy right by setting a boundary that he’s respecting. You’ll have to figure out a way to do the same with the second guy. Maybe just pull him aside at some point and have a quick chat, something like hey man I get we’re all friends and just busting balls but I would appreciate it if you didn’t do that. If he’s your friend he should get it and respect your boundary too.
Also just remember that this is definitely not a situation where violence is needed or called for. It’s just extremely annoying asshattery from 20-somethings.
“Never let a man piss on your leg, son
Either you die right there or pop that man in the head, son”
Now it doesn’t always need to be an extreme response. But, never tolerate blatant disrespect. Otherwise it will become a constant.
It sounds like the group is pretty toxic, honestly.
I’d distance myself from the most egregious of them and only hang out with those who are respectful.
>And I dont want to make fun of these guys cause it can make them look bad in front of mixed company.
So they look bad. Fuck ‘em.
“Hey man, just so you know, *I* am allowed to make fun of me. We’re clear and good now, right?”
>Now I’m all for a little banter, but I dont feel like I can go at these guys like I would my work friends especially with the guys wife right there. (Shes a sweet heart and I have a rule of never disrespecting a man in front of his wife, kids or parents.) So I feel pigeon holed.
Honest question: Are they being disrespectful to you in that moment? Because if they are, throw it right back at them. They don’t like it? Let them know you’re treating them the same way they’re treating you, and if they don’t like it, they can stop anytime.
People earn respect with each other. Sure, you can start it at 100%, but if someone’s not treating YOU with 100% respect, then they haven’t earned the right to get it from you. Simple as that.
>I guess I feel I’m too decent and comfortable around this guy and hes taking advantage of it.
You’ve figured out the problem. Now, like the other dude, shut it down. Again, he doesn’t like it? He can treat you with the same level of decency & respect you treat him. No exceptions.
Making yourself the butt of the joke too often caries this risk. So step one should be dialing that back a bit, and maybe talk about your accomplishments a little more often.
The way to stop the disrespect is simple. Dont let people cross the line. Lay into.the guy a little when he gets a little too close. I also dont give people shot in front of wives or families, but if he starts walking down that path, thats in him. Dont take it too far, but make it clear hes going to hear it if he keeps going.
Banter retort is the way to go, and you can stick with self deprecation. “I think she’d like you better if you could make fun of yourself instead of me”
“I’m already having a go at myself, son. It’s rude to pile on.”
Or the classic, “Aw and here I thought we were friends”
All said just as cheerily as possible.
Just look at him until an uncomfortable silence develops, smirk/grin, and then go back to what you were doing.
Hey mate. I have done white and blue collar and can confirm it is a different environment. That being said i think your problem is pretty obvious. Firstly ease up on jokes at your expense since they clearly dont understand.
The second and most important. Rip into them like they are blue collar workers. Fuckem mate. They clearly can be taken down a peg or two. If they are comfortable bagging you infront of their misses then they get what they get. Their misses would probably find it hilarious to
If you are a grown man, and a mid 20s manlet is treating you like this, youre letting it happen. If he wants to be disrespectful to you in mixed company then just match that energy. If he wants to escalate then hes a child with an office job, it’ll be quick work.
Have a chat with him and ask him why he does it.
Is there a reason why you say x y or z….
Just be up front and tone down the self deprecation, people will look down on you if you seem to constantly put yourself down
They’re bullies. Bullies respond to one thing and it’s generally pain of some form (real or being embarassed) or the threat of it.
My dog is chill, but when a dog is aggressive with her, she goes off and shows the other dog she is not to be messed with. Never injured the other dog in this scenario, but it gets the point across.
I don’t think people understand self depreciating humor. Its not a license to make fun of the person making it, its a signal to make fun of yourself.
Guy A: Man, I am going bald!
Guy B: Dude, I am going bald and grey!
Guy C: I have a head full of hair but now I have hair growing out of my ears.
Guys B and C are sort of making fun of themselves in the same light as Guy A and are not dog piling on him.
The only time its ok to include someone in a self depreciating rant is when you both did something stupid and both look like fools and there is some sort of camaraderie in sharing that experience.
Pro tip: self deprecating humor only works if you’re a BALLER or someone people would expect to have no flaws. then it’s endearing
If not, it’s not a good look. Don’t do it.
Obv too late for that in your situation but you should just talk to them about it candidly.
Firstly, I want to give you the permission to dump friends even though they seem intellectual. Being smart in books or certain subjects doesn’t make you a good person. A true intellectual is balanced and knows not just interesting things and can problem solve, but they also have the emotional intelligence to pick up on the cues you’re giving them that you don’t like being the but of jokes or the jokes are being taken too far.
If you really think the relationship is worth salvaging, I’d pull the individual by themselves to have a beer and talk. Provide examples. Accept responsibility for not setting boundaries in the past or maybe leaning too far into self-deprecation where they think they are playing along meanwhile you think they’re taking it too far.
All this to say, you’re an introspective individual. I’d expect them to be as well. If not, don’t hang out with them.
Can you give an example of a conversation where they disrespected you?
[ Removed by Reddit ]
I had a guy at work pull that, I let it slide for a while. One day, he took it too far and I’d already had a bad day. I slammed him against a locker and when he bounced back, my left hand was around his throat and my right fist was drawn back, his eyes got really big. I just kinda snapped, usually way more chill. He cooled it from then on and we became better friends. Years later, he brought it up and I had forgotten all about it, I apologized profusely. He said, “nope, I was being a jerk, I totally had it coming.”
The behavior you describe above is typical of people who feel bad about themselves, so to feel better about themselves, they attempt to make other people feel worse.
Why do you bother associating with immature and insecure people?
I think you put yourself in that pigeon hole man. It sorta boils down to nuts up or shut up
You repeatedly say that you do not regard the man in question as a physical threat. You also say more than once you are comfortable with him in other contexts.
I suggest that you speak with him privately at a bar or restaurant or something about your feelings and concerns. In a light hearted manner, tell him that his banter at your expense has made you uncomfortable but that you know that he has not meant any harm.
He is young, but he is not a teenager. You can be direct and casual with him.
“I have been called worse by better.”
I have always had a coup of rules about work relationships. One “I’m friendly but I’m not your friend “ so yes we can go have drinks and socialize but disrespect me and I will put you in your place! Two “ Don’t take my kindness for weakness “ same kind of meaning I will be nice and won’t intentionally make you look bad but if you do it to me I will teach you a lesson. Just for insight no I don’t have many people I consider “friends “ I grew up a military brat and you learn real quick that the people in your life will only be there for a short time and then we move on to new duty stations. So you make quick connections have fun while you can but soon they will be gone. What all this taught me was to be able to connect with people from any walk of life very quickly but then screw with me and we’re done. No skin off my ass!
If you don’t show respect for yourself it sets and example for others to follow. Self deprecating humor can be funny but too much and it gives room for others to say offhand rude comments. You likely won’t change their tone immediately but I would pull back from interacting with people who are rude. In the past I found sarcasm to be my friend in these situations but also taking insults with grace. Exaggerate whatever dumb shit they say and move on with the conversation. I’m not sure how much of this revolves around you or certain comments just stick around in your head more out of the whole conversation. The key thing is to show indifference and grace when these guys are giving you shit because in a battle of egos the best way to win is to let your opponent make themself look dumb.
Stop putting yourself down, self deprecating jokes aren’t great for your own self-esteem even if you don’t take yourself seriously., it’s not helping you it’s just helping them have ammo to put you down. If you want a quick retort just say “if you’re going to make fun of me at least make up your own joke don’t just use mine” or “yeah that was funny when I said it 5 minutes ago” they also sound like toxic people, you and your time worth more than that and them
Just out wit him and remain charming towards the ladies, sounds like its only a matter of time before the young guys hang themselves with their own rope lol
5ft 5 you say?
Well it’s little man syndrome, surely? In which case one comment about his height in front of people when he pipes up is more than likely going to shut him the fuck up. Next time he tells you to tell a story or tries making a comment, just say something like ‘i would, but I’m a bit distracted by those lifts in your shoes’ or next time he yaens, sneezes, is in a bad mood ‘when are the other 6 coming along (insert 7 dwarf character here)?’ .
These are tame, but they’ll get the message across that two can play his game if he so wants, and you have all the ammunition you’ll ever need – particularly because it’s about something he can’t change.
** Worth noting this is only for this particular situation, don’t take the piss out of short guys in general because that’s not cool, but this guy deserves it and needs to realise that chip on his shoulder is making him act like a prick.
Pull the guy aside and politely tell him that he doesn’t get a free pass to talk shit about you. Tell him about your rule about not disrespecting people in front of their kids/spouse. Tell him that you’ve had to bite your tongue in the past, but if he keeps talking shit or trying to take cheap verbal shots then you might have to make an exception to that rule.
Also: it might help to tone down the self-deprecating humor. Some see that as weakness or a green light to pile on.
You teach other people how to treat you by how you treat yourself.
You don’t feel like you belong in this group, aren’t secure in your position with them, and so you make fun of yourself for their amusement, taking the role of group punching bag.
Why are you upset or surprised when they take a swing?
Stop choosing that role.
I think alot of us have offended without meaning too just because of social awkwardness or w/e.
The ability to signal early and decisively without escalation is a true skill. I call it the dad voice… I’m still working on mine but as you development is actually really useful in alot of situations beyond just dealing with the children.