I'm single and have made this couple aware I'm queer (hopefully I'm less of a threat). I've rekindled a friendship with 2 friends from my hometown. I knew the hubby from 4th grade and he and his older sister shared mutual friend groups with me growing up. I was buddies with the wife in 8th grade from choir. We did a dance off together in the 8th grad talent show. Long history. We went into separate friend groups in HS, they became a couple freshman year of high school and married after they graduated college. Fast forward to now; reached out to them when they and I moved home 20 years later (we all lived out of state for a while).
I'm closer with and communicate primarily with the wife as we have similar chronic illnesses at 40 (when not a lot of peers can relate). I never just call/ text the husband to chat with just him separately out if respect for their marriage. It has been so nice to know someone from long ago who gets what you're going through. It's so nice to know a couple that knows you and your family and understands your character from way back.
Husband got my phone number assuming from the wife this past summer, but it made me anxious when he texted me to set up her birthday plans… I understood it's a grey area to have your friend's husband's #.
Husband called me a few months ago asking me to hang out with him at their house when she was at work. I made up an excuse that I was tired (which was true), but it also made my red flag alarm go off. OF COURSE, that feels improper on his part. Like was she cool and approving with him before he asked me? I chose not to be direct and confront him SSAaa-
likas that could just make things worse.
His band was playing in the downtown of the village I live in a couple months ago, he asked me to go to lunch with him during the break from their practice. I asked him if his Wife was coming. He said no, she'll show in a few hours when the band's show starts. Made an excuse to not participate in a meal publicly with him. (Of course, I would be seen as the suspicious home wrecker if other people we knew saw me and him out together).
We got together for dinner at their house. Wife and I made plans earlier in the day. Husband calls me separately hours later and starts hour long convo with me on phone and asks to pick me up and take me to their house. He has done this numerous times: long phone call with me hours before I'm hanging with him and his wife and asks to pick me up (it would be me and him in the car) to hang with them (um, whaaat?!). Due to the private phone call he and I had a couple hours to hanging out together, there was an uncomfortable moment hours later at dinner. At dinner altogether, he eluded to a topic he an I discussed in our prior phone call in front of the Wife. She made a very uncomfortable face as she didn't know what we were talking about… and that was when a pit formed in my stomach. This is starting to officially get weird.
I sense there is trouble in paradise. He's frustrated by her chronic illness. He's frustrated by how heavy she is while he's in a weight-loss program. They planned to have kids, but she decided with her health issues that it's no longer possible. He loves kids, is a coach, and a teacher. I've known he strongly wanted to be a dad when we were kids.
I sense he wants to have 1:1 discussion with me… but I'm not sure if it's because he's oblivious to his own actions that can make me end up being the bad guy? Not sure if he's innocently wanting to have time with me, wants to voice his frustrations about his wife (which he does every chance he can) or if he'a acting on feelings towards me I always assumed he had for me since childhood. Regardless, I have to tread lightly. I don't want to hurt his feelings, or call out his uncomfortable grey area actions. I don't want cause drama in their marriage. I just want to be friends with everyone and not have an awkward dynamic!
How do I handle this without hurting friendship?!