I need some advice. Please be kind and only offer comments that are helpful. I really don't know what to do. I've been married fourteen years and things came to a head this year. My husband really didn't talk to me, touch me, etc. for years and refused to sleep in the same bed as me. I finally went through his devices in late April. I went through his current iPad, former tablet and iPhone. What I found destroyed me and blew up our marriage. He had a serious addiction to porn which I long suspected, but he was also on swinger sites, talking to whores here on reddit, talking to this whore on google hangouts (he saved the convo), looking at nudes all the time, etc. It concerns me because he was looking up local swingers. He was also talking to a girl living in Louisville (we live in KY) and he told some other whore that he wanted to f*** her. He has forever ruined KY for me. I don't even want to live here anymore. He was also exchanging flirty emails with the head of HR where he works.
I confronted him about all of this. Our marriage completely blew up and my life here has been a lie. He then did a 180. He deleted his reddit account (I also found deleted comments of his on reveddit) and we have been sleeping in the same bedroom ever since. We talk now. We have communicated more this year than we ever have. Things seem different. The problem is that I don't trust him. Despite all the hurt, I still love him. I always will. He is the father of my children and we built a life together. I just don't want to be hurt again. I believe him when he tells me he loves me, but he also doesn't seem to show genuine remorse. People can change, but you have to want to change and work on yourself inwardly. I really think this is why the divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than that of first marriages. People just switch partners and don't fix their internal issues. Anyway, I want to believe him. I want to put our marriage back together; I also am filled with resentment and hurt. I just keep replaying everything I've seen (and it was extensive, especially on reddit) in my mind. How do I move forward with him? It is too late? For those that repaired your marriage, how did you do it? How did you trust again? Could anyone provide resources that worked for you? Also, when did those who ended your marriage know it was truly finished? My husband is the love of my life, but I don't want to live with a man who cheats on me and I can't relax here. I'm always afraid he is doing this crap again. It even scares me when he goes to bed before me. I am afraid he will be meeting women online again unless I'm next to him. It is hard to live like that. I hate it in KY now and that sucks because I love my job here. I'm not sure we can ever really move forward here, but I'm also afraid it will continue if we move, just in a new location. How do you rebuild trust? I want my marriage restored; I just don't know how to do that. How do you know it won't happen again? This is what really scares me: putting my heart out there and him stomping on it again. This has been one of the worst years of my life. It's Christmas, my favorite time of the year, and it's hard to get excited. I am heartbroken, but still love him. How does true restoration begin? Has anyone tried marriage counseling or a program that actually worked? If so, please advise.
Edit: I wanted to update those who responded. Since I posted this, my husband took ownership and I got a sincere apology. I was finally able to forgive and I'm no longer angry. We have put safeguards in place and we are sharing everything. I think we are going to be fine, it is just going to take time, commitment, patience, and transparency building trust. Thanks to all who offered words of wisdom.