Long story short; I have had a crush on my best friend J since April. I went back and forth telling her, talked my other friend group's ear off about her, but ultimately decided against it for a variety of reasons:
-she is my best friend and I worry about ruining not just our friendship but the group dynamic as a whole
–I don't think I am emotionally ready for a relationship. I'm still bad at communicating, worry too much about crossing lines or being a nuisance to the point where I hold back all the time, I mask all my emotional vulnerability with a joke.
-given the faults listed above, I'd be a badly girlfriend for her and I don't want to treat her badly. I treated my ex pretty badly (it was a few years ago, I was young and immature but I still think about it) and I don't want to do the same to her.
So I decided against confessing. Yet every time I see her with her partner, I feel sick. Genuinely punched-in-the-stomach gut feeling. I know I chose this, why can't I move on?
TL;DR, I chose not to ask out my crush, but now I feel I can't move on from her and feel sick when i see her with her partner.