My husband and I are from different ethnic backgrounds. When we first got married, we lived with his mother, and it quickly became very hard. She crossed boundaries, yelled, gave constant unwanted advice, and involved herself in our marriage. It really hurt my mental health and our relationship, so we moved out. Once we lived alone, our marriage improved a lot.
Around that time, my husband’s aunt contacted my parents behind my back, criticizing me and my housekeeping to pressure us to move back. My dad didn’t defend me to avoid conflict, but I felt deeply disrespected. My MIL has involved my parents before even after my husband told her not to, so instead she used his aunt. When I confronted my MIL, she denied insulting me and said the house was messy anyway. To me, taking private marital issues to extended family and my parents was disrespectful and painful.
Feeling bad for his mother, we eventually moved back in, but now my husband and I pay the rent and expenses while she lives with us. The same issues continue. She gives constant unsolicited advice, especially about my child, judges how I parent, and made hurtful comments while I was recovering from an emergency C-section. In the past, she even told us not to have a baby while I was going through a miscarriage. These things have stuck with me. I also feel there’s a double standard: my husband is seen as stressed even though his job is flexible, while I had a long commute and worked long hours while pregnant, yet I’m still blamed.
There’s also a serious issue with my husband using edibles. I’m uncomfortable with this around our child. He swore by Allah that he stopped, but I caught him multiple times still using them, including once while he was high and holding our baby, then yelling at me. I later realized he would turn off his location while “doing laundry” and go buy edibles. After talking to his mother recently, his attitude changed and he started tying household chores to money, even though I already contribute a large portion of my income and am still recovering physically. He rarely helps with laundry despite agreeing to handle it.
My MIL now tells me not to involve my husband in problems with her, says I should just move on from the drama his aunt causes and herself, and claims men aren’t expected to help at home. She also brings up agreements that my husband and I already discussed and adjusted between ourselves, including me working and living with her, even though my husband gave me mixed answers before marriage. Even if I once agreed, I don’t think it’s wrong to change my mind when living with her has clearly harmed my mental health.
I feel lost. I feel blamed while my efforts are ignored, unsupported by my husband, and overwhelmed by constant interference with my child.
Am I wrong to think that calling my parents was disrespectful? They think my parents are lying because I told my husband that his aunt disrespected me.. Is this not disrespectful?