F34
First of all, I want to thank those people here who supported me. Honestly, it was quite a terrible night for me.
I wrote about it in the comment in the sticky notes but decided to make a separate post on it with the update.
So the initial situation from this night:
"So I and the guy met 1,5 months ago and for last two weeks we have been spending almost each day together. This morning he was leaving for his one month solo trip.
When we had sex an hour or so ago I realized he took a condom from his BACKPACK that he is taking for his trip…"
In the process I was too shocked to react and also I was not 100% sure he took the condom precisely from the backpack, i was hoping maybe it was a shelf or something. But the back pack was right next to my part of the bed and there was a pocket opened so at night I just put my hand in it and felt a condom or more of them (now I am honestly not sure about the quantity).
I felt terrible and just cried for super long silently sitting on the toilet.
I had in mind to just call Uber and leave. But I felt bad to do it to him since he had this trip and he had already said that he is being worried/stressed about it.
So I decided to wait till the morning when he wakes up to tell him.
So when we woke up, I was just completely "frozen", he was cuddling me but I just couldn't move and couldn't make myself speak. I was hoping he would ask what's wrong so I could say, but he didn't ask anything.
Then eventually he brought breakfast. And I told him that I want to tell him something. He came and sat down next to me on the bed. I told him last night I felt so hurt. That when we had sex and he took a condom from his back pack for his travel (the one he left for today) I felt so bad. He said he is sorry I felt bad but he doesn't understand why I feel bad. I just repeated that he took condom from his travel back pack. He said that yes, but why did it make me feel bad? I asked if he really doesn't understand… that he packed condoms for his trip and took one to use with me…that I know we didn't have a talk about all this, but if he is interested in meeting other people, I am not interested in it. He said that no, he packed those condoms back on Monday when he was coming to my place (before coming to my place he indeed went to his parents' place to pack his back pack and he did come to my place with already packed backpack. And even when on Tuesday I asked him if he is packing for his trip, he said he packed a day before, that it was the big backpack with which he came to my place on Monday).
He also said he thinks it was the last condom that we used or maybe there is one more left, that he can check if I want. I said no, I trust you. And I did trust him at that moment. His reaction was very calm and fast. Not defensive at all. And then he also apologized and said he understands why I felt bad. And asked if I feel okay.
Then now when I am alone, I have all those doubts and thoughts coming to my mind. See, he didn't speak about exclusivity or who I am for him.
On the other hand, last evening before all that all was super lovely. It felt truly wonderful honestly, we were just leaning towards each other as if we are each other's comfort place if it makes sense. Then also his best friend came for around 2 hours and he was super friendly and nice to me. The guy I am seeing asked me several times if it's for sure okay if his friend comes, that he doesn't want that I am uncomfortable or something and I prefer that his friend doesn't come. Etc. Like he is usually so caring in this kind of way, asking me several times if things are okay for me. But maybe it all means nothing?
What do you think about it?
I feel I should maybe stay away from dating. I guess I should not be that affected? But I truly am. Like this morning when he cuddled me I couldn't touch him like before, even his smell started to smell foreign. It was not even that I was silence treating him, no, I just couldn't pretend to be fine but also felt completely blocked to speak up immediately and somehow so so scared (in my previous relationships I couldn't really speak up etc).