Howdy all, just wanted to post this to hopefully get some advice and as a sanity check for myself.
We’ve been in a relationship for just about 1.5 years. We met using a dating app while I was in college and had been long distance for a majority of the relationship. She was divorced, lived alone, owned her own place and had a stable well-paying job and had pets (2 cats and 2 small dogs). She’s a bit of an introvert, so she doesn’t have too many friends, so usually she hangs out with mine whenever we do get-togethers. Age and marital status were not issues for me, and having a dog (and previously owning cats) myself I thought I had a good idea of what to expect.
After graduating college last December and completing an internship in late March, I moved in to her place early April this year. We had both wanted to further the relationship and remove the long-distance part, so I had looked for jobs in the area and finally settled on my current job.
Moving in had some ups and downs. Being used to roommates, while there was a brief adjustment period, I didn’t have too many problems.
There was one problem that seemed to never go away. That was the treatment of her dogs.
She loves her dogs. They are her babies. While she expressed this while we were dating, I don’t think I understood her feelings towards them.
They are spoiled rotten, but at the same time, not treated the best. They’ll be given food from plates, allowed to sleep in bed, snuggled by her every night and wear diapers since they never got the hang of potty training. However, they’re also left gated in the heated basement for 8-12 hours per day without toys until she or I come home to let them out.
When I originally moved in, she didn’t trust me to even let them out (on a lead) without her around. So I would wait until she was home to let them out.
Whenever I was over and while I was moving in, I thought I treated them well, got them toys, played with them, did treat training etc. When we were on off shifts, I would take care of them at night while she was at work.
However, sometimes during playtime if she thought they got too worked up or if I would pick them up to move them/lift them onto the bed/car/etc. and they squirmed in my arms, she would scold me or snap at me for doing so.
It made me feel at though they were fragile, made of glass, not meant for me to interact with. So, I stopped doing a good portion of play with them, along with picking them up.
It had started to cause frustration between the two of us. Whenever I tried to talk about the dogs situation, about my feelings about taking care of the dogs, I was shut down I.E “I don’t want to talk about that-“.
It eventually accumulated in her expressing that I wasn’t interacting with the dogs as much, that she thought I would love the dogs more once I moved in, that I called them her dogs instead of our dogs. I finally expressed how I felt as though I couldn’t interact with the dogs or treat them like..dogs, like they were made of glass.
It ended with her expressing to me that I hated her dogs and that I never loved them.
I listed out the ways I had taken care of them, checked up on them, gave them treats and toys, gave her reports when we had off-shifts etc.
It’s been two weeks since then, and she has apologized for saying those words, but it’s toothpaste that’s already out of the tube. I can’t get the thought of how my love and treatment of the dogs may never be enough for her.
Her habits haven’t changed towards my interactions with the dogs. While less potent, I still get snapped at or scolded for certain interactions.
I feel checked out of the relationship and have been mulling over ending it. I thought to give it over the holidays to see if I really felt this way or not. I also wanted to check here as a quick sanity check, to make sure my thoughts make sense and if there was any advice that could be given to save this relationship. I don’t want to talk about it with friends or family so that I have an unbiased source.
Any thoughts?
Tl;dr – Girlfriend has a different level of care for her pets than I usually have for mine. This came to a head when she told me I didn’t love her dogs. I haven’t been able to get over that comment and have been “checked-out” of the relationship. Sanity check on myself and my feelings and any advice for proceeding.