Hi, this will probably be long, but if anyone is willing to read, I don’t feel comfortable talking about my partner’s personal life with anyone I know, and I am struggling/need some guidance.
Boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. We moved in together in August, and we live in a college town so all of the rentals in our city are set up with leases that align with back to school. They will likely begin showing our unit if we haven’t renewed by the end of the month.
When I first became close with my boyfriend, I didn’t know how hard he was going through it. He keeps things to himself, and it took him a while into our relationship to open up to me about his issues.
He had some childhood trauma and has a dysfunctional family dynamic. He’s always been a drinker to cope with anxiety. It spiraled out of control with a death in the family and losing his job both right at the start of the pandemic. His drinking picked up, he became extremely isolated due to the world shutting down and not having a job, he got into some debt, he stopped cleaning and it got into hoarding territory.
Since we’ve been together, he’s been working on these things. He has 2 jobs, his debts are paid off, he drinks but no longer lies about it (which was a major issue in our relationship at the beginning). He is still an alcoholic, and I don’t see a future with him if he doesn’t stop. He knows this, and we are planning on getting sober together for our New Year’s resolution.
Things are not good though. The isolation really got to him I think. Trusting me is hard, he struggles to get comfortable/be himself, so our conversations are sometimes lacking. This leads to frequent misunderstandings and arguments. We are good at working through them, but they are more frequent than I’d like.
The years of heavy drinking are catching up to him. It seems like one major health problem after another. I’m proud of him for finally going to the doctor, but it’s intense. He has a serious issue caused by the drinking and is going to have a major surgery this spring, so he’s been in a lot of pain for a long time and he’s depressed about the surgery. We haven’t had a sex life in months, which I totally understand but still struggle with a lot.
I really love him, and he really loves me. We both want a future together, and we both want the same things in life. I have mental health issues too (diagnosed BPD, on the milder end but still a lot for a partner to handle), and he is so supportive and accepting of me. He celebrates all my wins like they’re his own and is so patient when I don’t always deserve it.
I want to show him that I believe in him enough to stick it out. I know that if I’d been through what he went through, I would be coping with it…probably not as well as he is. On the other hand, this relationship has added so much stress to my life. I’m not happy with how things are, and I know that promising to get sober is different than actually getting sober. I want a family and I’m getting older, so I know that I shouldn’t be wasting time if it’s not right.
I want more time to see how things go, but with our lease I feel forced into making a decision I’m not ready to make. Would you commit to another year and hope things get better, or end it when there is still love and willingness to work through it on both sides?