we've been together for almost 2 years now and when we first dated we had sex multiple times a day. overtime it slowed down and I was fine bc I already have a high sex drive and I've known his is lower.

he has had some health issues the last couple months so I passed it off as that for a while bc it went from us having sex a few times a week to maybe once or twice every other week, if that. honestly it's made my sex drive become lower, which wasn't bad in my eyes bc mines always been super high.

anyway yesterday we had sex for the first time in a couple weeks and it sucked really bad. he felt fine but the performance was just not it and I have felt this way the last few times we've had sex. there used to be passion w us and roleplaying. it was smth we even implemented into daily life it was amazing. I guess I just didn't realize that had almost completely stopped. even in daily life theres no roleplay and idk how I didn't notice until yesterday.

I ended up talking to him about it. I went in being careful w my words because I know some men have a hard time hearing negative feedback ab that stuff. come to find out my bf says "I didn't wanna say this to you but I haven't wanted to have sex with you because you're so mean to me all the time "

it sorta broke me in ways I'd never known. sex is a hugeeeee source of my confidence and nobody has ever not wanted me before. even past partners were able to still be attracted to me despite my anger issues.

I just don't really know what to do. he's a very sweet man and is even trying to role play w me during the day again but it just hurts me for some reason. I'm not sure what to do or how to navigate this. I'm 22 and I feel like all I'll ever be is an angry dickhead. I can't believe I'd be so incredibly cruel to someone who loves me that they aren't attracted to me now. it just hurts. I'm in anger management and have been since April.. it's helped alot and he notices. he's got anger issues as well but he had help as a kid and ofc I'm just getting to the root of my stuff.

I keep avoiding him too, like just now I moved to the couch instead. he seemed sad but all I can think about is what he said and even tho he's not wrong I'm just hurting. I just don't understand how I could be so cruel.

someone pls give any advice, I'm open to anything.


49 comments

  2. Stop being mean to him. “Despite my anger issues” is a huge red flag. He should’ve broken up a long time ago.

  3. What he said hurts, but it wasn’t a rejection of you as a person it was about how he feels emotionally when conflict is high.

    * Attraction often drops when someone feels hurt or unsafe, even if love is still there. That’s common, not a verdict on you.
    * You’re already doing the right thing: anger management, self-reflection, and listening. That means this is changeable.
    * Avoiding him will make it fester. A calm follow-up like: “I’m hurting, but I want to understand how I affect you and fix it together” matters.
    * Try rebuilding emotional closeness first, not sex pressure. Desire usually follows safety.

    You’re not broken or cruel forever. You’re learning. That’s allowed.

  4. Fix your vocabulary and stop believing every man can endure abuse. He feelings so cornered because he never wanted to not be good enough for you. But he can’t perform because he hasn’t recovered. How has your attitude been around him the last 2 weeks?

  6. I’ve seen this in my life, men broken by their woman who just wear them down and belittle them. The problem is when the man doesn’t put his foot down, and lets the woman behave in unacceptable ways without calling her out.

    My last ex tried doing this to me, but she had BPD, and luckily I got out before we’d been together 6 months so managed to limit the damage she was inflicting.

    Sounds like your BF has finally had enough, but hasn’t checked out of the relationship yet which suggests he wants to fix things.

  8. I don’t think sex is the real issue here… I was in a relationship that sounds familiar to this and I was very relieved when I got the energy to finally break up. Hope you fix these underlying issues before he reaches this point. Although he should have reached it quite some time ago. You can still change it though but you need to really change things around. Hope you 2 can manage this situation.

  10. The key word is “kindness”
    The second keyword is expressing what you each really need.
    You managed to do this kindly, meaning without judgement or expectations, each certain, and actually express your deepest needs and listen to the other when they’re speaking, looking at them from the lenses of love and someone you care about, I promise you most of the issue will disappear.
    But you have to each allow the other to express themselves, and learn to love them, which means by action, actually caring about them, and their needs.
    Practice that for a month twice a week and I promise you by the end of the month you’re having sex multiple times a day again. The keyboard is kindness.

  11. This is not a dating story. This is about you needing therapy. Also:

    > it sorta broke me in ways I’d never known. sex is a hugeeeee source of my confidence and nobody has ever not wanted me before. even past partners were able to still be attracted to me despite my anger issues.

    This is not a healthy attitude towards sex, or towards the relationship.

  12. Men disconnect when they feel disrespected. Your boyfriend will break up with you, best to let him go till you overcome your issues. Neither of you are happy in this relationship.

  13. Admittingly, I react the same way as your bf – I need safety and feeling loved in the relationship in order to be intimate with my partner. If I’m constantly being yelled at or stressed out because of my partner, there is almost certainly not going to be any physical intimacy.

    I know you two aren’t married but this book helps in any relationship. It also explains the physiology that happens to a person in times of conflict and stress within a relationship:

    The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

    I hope this helps and I wish you two the best.

  14. You need to stop being mean to him. You admit that you have anger issues. It’s not easy to work on that alone, but it is possible. You need to show him that you’re working on it and making progress. He is completely within his rights to leave an abusive relationship. Identify your triggers, find things that help you stay calm, choose to be kind instead of cruel. This is 100% on you to fix.

  15. Wow the lack of accountability is astounding but not surprising. He told you that you’re mean to him and then you immediately flip it so it’s about you and your confidence. Either A: get therapy and start unraveling what’s going on with you
    Or B: Let him go so he can find someone better for him and his needs

  16. You probably have lots of comments, but I just wanted to say this anyway. It’s not a good idea to make this about you or give him a cold shoulder for it. The way I see it, is if you do this then your partner will feel like expressing his feelings is not welcome and will stop doing so and keep it in (do u really want that?), and somewhere along the line you will break up. Of course expressing ones feelings should come with respect and I think he did. Maybe it is very hard for you now, but take it with grace and make more efforts.

  17. Break up with him, you’re only 22. You need to grow up and learn how to treat others. He doesn’t need couple therapy, you need therapy though.

  18. Why are you two still together? You’re not married. If my gf was mean I would have dumped her ass long ago

  19. So you yell, insult him, and have gotten physical with him? Yeah, if this was a guy saying this, they would say he needs to go to jail. I wouldn’t even recommend being in a relationship right now.

  20. Maybe focus on being a better person and partner? You wanted an answer to a question and are upset by the response you got? Maybe you should not be so mean to your partner and blaming it on “anger issues.”

  21. Well, it sounds like he all but checked out of this relationship. It’s good that you’re in anger management, but you’re failing to acknowledge this won’t magically erase 2 years of abuse. That you expected to get your way _despite_ your anger issues is yet another red flag.

    At this point, if this relationship is to be mended, it’s you who need to recover your boyfriend’s trust in you. Hear him, pay more attention to him, see what can be improved – but do realize this might not be salvageable at this point.

  22. Sounds like he’s pretty much already checked up. This is up to you to fix, but it might be too late

  23. You should probably not be in a relationship with someone until you get your abusive issues taken care of. You need therapy. The discourse in this thread is being very VERY kind to you in a way they wouldn’t be if the gender roles where reversed. You have openly admitted to being an abuser. Let that man go so he can be in a happy relationship and get yourself some help by whatever means necessary. Your behavior is not okay.

  24. 1- Therpay for you
    2- couples therapy
    3- doing the actual work from said sessions and not just using therapy speech to alienate one another.
    Yall are young maybe this current relationship isn’t going to be your whole life but it can definitely be a good point to work on the things you want to be able with each others help. Best of luck op. Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re reaching out to community that’s important. You’re doing the work now just continue.

  26. If you know how to turn them in on, that’s a good thing. But if you don’t know how you’re turning a man off, that’s an issue. A very big issue. I used to have a high sex drive and the few girlfriends I’ve had and a few lovers I’ve had made the intimacy wonderful but I will tell you that so much of my attitude towards someone reflected how they treated me. If someone was slightly abusive to me, I was shut down. I had a girlfriend many years ago for example who was all these positive things on paper but after a few months being with her and seeing that she was a manipulative passive-aggressive woman who can be mean spirited, I didn’t want her touching my body at all. She was sexy she was pretty and she loved to go down on me. The idea of not having sex with her was a symptom, wasn’t the problem.

    And your case here I would also see a doctor about possible medications apparent you may have some bipolar issues or some other hormonal imbalances. If you can’t figure out why you’re mean to him often enough where he refrains from the physical intimacy, you’ve really got to investigate from within. Wish you luck

  27. Please make sure you guys are eating right, sleeping right, drinking water and taking your medicine. Take care of him and make sure that either he is taking care of his basic needs or help him slightly; not only will he find you more attractive after that but the “balance of power will shift in your favor”

    Get some non sexual exercise as well. Do stuff like lift weights or get into martial arts. Not only will this help with your “anger issues”, but will likely be a humbling experience, which it sounds like you could use one.

    Treat your relationship like a bank account and sex like a withdrawal; the more you do for your partner the more sex you can have, but if you are emotionally terrorizing your partner, receiving more love than you give, or making life more difficult for him overall, than it’s naturally that the sex would slow down as your relationship becomes emotionally empty or worse, “overdrawn”.

  28. Bruh this chick needs to actually go to jail, what, does being a woman magically mean emotional and physical abuse is okay?

  29. You need therapy.

    If it had gotten to this point, it might already be too late.

    I ended my last relationship because she was mean to me.

    She had a drinking problem and would get verbally and emotionally abusive when she was drunk. I stayed longer than I should have. The next day she would remember that she was mean to me but not the specifics.

    One day she was drunk and mad at me for something that was basically her fault, and decided we were on a break. She assumed we would get back together, I loved her very much, but couldn’t keep going down that path. The break became permanent.

  30. Unfortunately this is a you problem, not a problem with him. YOU are the one being mean to him and he is reciprocating by avoiding you which I don’t blame him. Everything written above is about how you feel not about his feelings and just blaming it on your anger issues. That’s narcissistic behavior first hand. I’m surprised he hasn’t up and left you yet, you can’t sit and say you want to do couples therapy when the issues seem to revolve around you. It’s pretty obvious you have some self esteem issues as well if you only have confidence based off of sexual encounters. I’d let the poor guy go so he can actually have a chance to be happy with someone who doesn’t treat him like sex toy and lash out on him. Take time to see a therapist and work on your own issues instead of taking them out on someone else.

  31. Grow up and stop being an immature asshole. You say you’re essentially a bully with your responses/actions to not only your boyfriend, but others around you. Why are you surprised your boyfriend doesn’t want to be intimate with you? Many people have said he’s checked out of the relationship and I hope he is for his mental health sake, because you sound like an absolute monster to be around. Get some help.

  32. Well OP the first step is awareness.

    You know you’re mean. So work with a therapist to stop being mean. Figure out things you can do in the moment to stop yourself from being mean.

    Try breath work and meditation. Taking a deep slow breath at the right time can be incredibly powerful.

  34. I don’t know if you need therapy and this relationship seems cooked. But you need to learn for future relationships, so you don’t stay stuck. Maybe you should work on yourself before getting into a new relationship.

  36. Borderline personality disorder ruins the sex and then the relationship altogether. It’s the canary in the coal mine. That you have some empathy for him and self awareness you need to change is really great though but it might be too late unless you have a radical personality shift.

  37. Do you have a hormonal issue? High sex drive and anger issues can be a sign of hormonal problems. But also ypu really need therapy in general.

  38. I think you should decouple your performance and desirability from this situation. How you look and how you’re wanted physically is one thing. His issue is a psychological one. Not saying he has an issue. I’m saying it sounds like you’ve spent some time together and have developed some contention between your personalities.

    Roll up the sleeves. Hello hard work. It’s not all easy 🙂

  39. I empathize with your boyfriend, as I went through something similar. Honestly, in my experience the relationship was dead once I no longer could have sex with her. I was too distrusting to ever be vulnerable with her again, even in a physical way.

    I’d let him go and focus on yourself. Continue seeking professional mental health services

  40. You should split until you’re not abusive anymore. Cold hard facts. Iv’e been in his shoes.

  41. imagine if the genders were reversed lmao. people would be calling for you to go to jail for domestic abuse.

  42. You need therapy, and so does he. You for your anger, and him for the number you’ve done on him.

  44. You are beaking his spirit ofc he wouldn’t want to have sex with you.Stop being a kid and projecting your issues to other people and Especially your relationship and work imon YOURSELF.And if you treat him right and like a human being then you probably won’t have any issues .Jesus .He is not your property or your pet to so whatever you want to do and whenever you want .Is it that hard to gasp ?Act on it .You know the right thing to do 

  45. YOU need therapy, not couples therapy. By the sounds of it you’re lucky hes still around, I’d have left a long time ago if i was in his shoes

  47. As I read this the positive I see is your honesty about the situation. The negative I see is somewhat of a victim mentality – poor me, I have this anger management issue and my boyfriend doesn’t love me. As everyone seems to be pointing out, you need to take ownership first this.

  48. He gave you feedback and you’re punishing him for his feelings. From what you said here it sounds like the way he feels has validity to it. He showed respect by letting you know the issue so you can work through it together, it is an opportunity to address the issue and step up to be a kinder partner. It was not a personal attack on you, nobody is perfect and relationships take work.

    I understand that hearing constructive criticism is hard, especially when you are already feeling insecure. That feeling is valid. But how you respond to it is in your control. You can tell your partner how disappointed you are in yourself that these issues have affected your relationship. Ask questions: were there any specific examples of times you were less than kind? How could you handle those better going forward? Is there something you can do that can help you both feel more connected again?

    You obviously care about him very much, and I hope you’re able to navigate this tough situation together. Please keep in mind that if you sulk and avoid when issues are brought up, he may avoid bringing up anything again. When issues aren’t addressed when they are small, they have a tendency to snowball, and that’s where resentment can grow.

    You’re already in anger management, which is a huge step OP! You’re doing the work. It’s hard and takes time, but you can do this. Try to be empathetic to how your partner feels. He told you what is lacking for him in the relationship, this is your opportunity to step up.

  49. I’ve had exact same situation, it sucks but listening you both as neutral and detailed as possible, writing your thoughts to each other will guarantee a help and a good first step and should stand over sex. Then try to get rid of huge turnoffs is what I would advice or get an agreement of how to react if things get out of control again. Plan dates together but also don’t loose your productivity out of sight and try a attune again and know how you two work to be able to grow respect back.

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