So just to start this off, I have 3 children who are not my boyfriends. And I do feel like this is am important part of this because I am doing my best to be realistic. Ive been married before, and that relationship failed for a multitude of reasons and was abusive so now I have a hard time figuring out if my expectations are on the floor or not.
We work different schedules. I am at home a lot more than he is, and as such, there is not an even distribution of chores. He worked during the day until the kids are in bed, and I work overnights so I can watch my children during the day. His only really "set" chore is the litter boxes for our cats, which he doesnt even do regularly.
On days that he works, he very rarely does chores but does delegate things he wants done. Here is where the issue comes in. I am working 13 hour overnight shifts, and coming home to a list. For months I have tried to truck through but I am in a mental slump right now. Like think, burn out to the point that I get off work and pull into my drive way and I have to work myself up to be able to go inside my own home. I have asked for help repeatedly and have tried to explain my need for down time and I feel like Im getting no where. He thinks because I am off work and at home, than that must be decompression time. But even though I am off work and at home, I still have 3 small children and long list of chores he wants me to complete.
These last few weeks have been rough. Hes been off work, and has been cleaning more around the house, but has wanted me to be on his deep cleaning spree even though Ive worked almost every day the last two weeks. Im exhausted. Im averaging 3-4 hours a day before work, and Im woken up for every little thing. To cook dinner. To change diapers.
I do appreciate the cleaning he did, but I had 2 days off this week and all I wanted was to have one day without chores. For reference, I am an in home caregiver so my job entails me doing chores around someone elses house and helping someone else with their basic needs.
I know feel like Im at a point where I have to pick me losing my mind, and his happiness and I dont know where to go from here. The tasks never stop. He says he doesnt understand why he can get stuff done with the kids around but I can't. I am feeling completely unseen and I dont feel like hes trying to put himself on my shoes at all. All of this has been taxing me to the point I feel like I cant be a good mother to the extent I need to be, and work, and be a good partner, and also keep myself alive.
Its not even that I care that much about the chores, I care about the lists. I care about never getting to sleep because they need something. I feel like one day a month I deserve to have one god damn day without chores and getting to do things on my own time. And yes that would require him to watch the kids, and maybe not wake me up to cook them food, but I havent felt like Im being unreasonable until tonight when he tells me people do this all the time.
How do I go about this? Any advice is appreciated