Throwaway account. Wife and I married for 13 years, together 15, 3 children. We’ve grown apart, want different things, have had a good run, etc. I think I’m finally done. She has had mental health issues last few years which she leaves untreated and rawdogs, it has negatively affected our marriage significantly despite hundreds of requests to get help, and the environment for our kids is bad. She is in denial. She also has trauma bond and boundary / self respect type issues with her spinster mother, allows herself to be taken advantage of relentlessly, etc. This also has contributed to the deterioration of our marriage as she has used me as a punching bag for it for years. She has disrespected me and has been ungrateful for some time, and has clearly convinced herself im nothing but a pushover. I’ve been to therapy to fix what I can about myself, no change in my behavior changes her behavior. She is self destructive and lives in an altered reality that I’ve been trying to pull her out of for so long. She will not let me lead, and tries to control and manipulate every single aspect of our entire lives. I think she abandoned her post first in this marriage and she probably feels the same about me. We have opposing personalities which was great in the beginning but as you age, having different values can be hell. When we argue (which is a LOT) it’s like we are each screaming in the mirror. All of this has killed the spark, attraction, and connection in our marriage as we are both very proud and stubborn people, and no one is willing to stand down.
Anyways, I’ve tried so hard for so long. We just don’t have anything in common anymore. She acts like she wants to try, but she has resented and loathed me for some time and it is quite obvious, she just won’t admit it to herself because she benefits too much from staying married. I have never even remotely had a thought about what it would be like with someone else, until the last 6 months. There is a single mother who lives in a nearby city who I’m acquaintances with from a long time ago though we don’t know each other anymore. She is beautiful, sweet, intelligent, successful, and artistic; we are clearly very alike. The thought of pursuing her is very enticing to me. I would never cheat but have been fantasizing about what it would be like to court this woman, start over, and feel passionate and appreciated again. But I would be throwing away 13 years of what we’ve built, the kids will be affected horribly, and my wife would be a total mess without my financial and mental health / emotional support. Also we would have to split sell the house, figure out custody issues, and that will be a TOTAL nightmare. Though falling in love with a grateful and intellectually beautiful person who makes me feel alive again would make it easy.
Any advice from those in similar situations? Should I follow my heart and try to find myself again outside of the confines of a failing marriage, or is this just a phase we can fix?