Just a bunch of dumb, raw thoughts on a throwaway, so if I say something out of place or wrong, please give me grace.
Been married to my partner for over 3 years now. Together for 6.
Right before we married, we moved into a house together a little earlier than I was ready to both financially and emotionally.
My job when we met was my dream job. It didn't pay extremely well, but it wasn't minimum wage either.
After we moved in the house and got married, etc. A bunch of past grief and trauma bubbled up regarding the death of both of my parents and realizing that where I was at was something I'd never be able to share with them, and it caused me to go into an internal emotional spiral. I wasn't abusive, or violent or anything of the sort, just extremely reserverd emotionally.
Around a year ago we had a discussion about how it couldn't go on because of the emotional debt I'd been carrying, and I pledged to work on it and fix myself. I should add, we've maybe had 5 actual 'arguments'. And every time single they seem to resolve with an action plan that is followed through with.
In that time, I've personally taken many steps to improve myself. The biggest one being in August leaving that old job that honestly was what had gotten me by after my parents death. Leaving the job was effectively internally me cutting my past behind. I had a 2 month period between jobs and recovery. And I just started the new one in November. Among other things, I've worked on getting out more, finding new friends and communities to be a part of, been able to help out more with chores/around the house, etc.
Right when I felt like I was truly able to round the corner to start opening up more, she has asked to split. I don't think her reasoning is from nowhere, and I recognize to get to that decision isn't a 1 day thing, she likely reached that conclusion far earlier.
Initially, I had asked that we go to couples' therapy before signing papers or anything, and she had said that it was too far gone to do so.
But, a day later, I had done some research on what exactly I had been going through mentally, and found out about anxious vs. avoidant attachment and found that we were victims of that push-pull and just ultimately have failed to communicate our needs in ways we can process. When I presented this information and showed her the research and information on it, it was like a lightbulb clicked and she renegged on therapy, and found a neurodivergent specialist (we're both AuDHD/Depression/Anxiety, etc).
I told her that it was too convenient in the moment to just agree and say yes and that I wouldn't do it unless she really felt like there was hope, as I didn't want to exert expectations or pressure that she feels like shes obligated to do so just because shes supposed to.
The next day I asked her how she felt on it, and she said she was laening back towards the no on therapy but to schedule it anyway.
So we've done one couples' therapy session, we'll be doing individual sessions going forward.
I'm going into these sessions as realistic as possible with the understanding that I need to be in them for myself and myself alone. I need to come out the other side healed or at least on the way to healing with tools, and on her side she agrees with the same.
But I'll always be worrying, and it's easy to say I just need to worry about myself or not to worry about it for now. I realize it's an extremely uphill battle to make, but is it truly even worth holding onto hope in this situation?
I gave my perspective here, and the post is 'me' centric because I obviously can't just speak her mind (before someone comes here and says I'm only worried about myself) and I have pretty good ideas of where she is, but I didn't want to go into all the detail in case I misrepresent where she's at. I just feel tremendously guilty because I feel like in my time of struggle, she took on a lot of emotional debt, and not being able to truly reciprocate or give back in the way she gave me when I was rock bottom breaks me at my core.
How do I tell if she's trying to do this stuff because she has hope we can resolve it, if she's just trying to heal and move on, or if she just feels like it's what we have to do because she feels like she owes it to me even if that's not what I want her to feel?