I've been with my girlfriend long distance for around a year now and for almost entirety of the relationship she's been really jealous about my ex. Me and my ex were talking to each other for a year also long distance and we tried being in a relationship for about the last 4 months. She broke up with me and we decided to remain friends but i was still unsure about her. A month later i met my girlfriend, i started texting her and i instantly got interested in her although she was constantly leaving me on seen and never texted me first so i was not hopeful about her but she was giving me some signs here and there. At that time i realised i need to cut off my ex out of respect for the girl i am talking to and to get over her. I did that, painfully though because i still had attachment there. A day after that i asked my girlfriend if she wants to call with me so we could talk and play some games, she agreed and few days later we had it and it went really well, since then we have been talking almost every day. It felt and feels so much different than i have ever before with and for another woman in my past and i can confidently say that i love her and she is my first real love. We confessed and went into a relationship 2 months in, she used to ask me about my ex.. quite a lot and i always answered her, i probably mentioned my ex like twice on my own which now i feel like i should not have done that at all. I used to answer her genuinely although i lied and said i cut my ex off a month before i met my girlfriend because i was scared she would think im not over my ex and that my intentions towards her are not good and genuine.
Somewhere during our early stage of relationship she started having issues towards me and being jealous about my ex. She was asking me questions like "did you play X with her?" "did you like cute tiktoks about her" "did you love her" and stuff like that, and everytime she either gets mad at me that i played a certain game with my ex and doesnt want to play it anymore with me because of that, or she just says how i liked cute tiktoks about my ex and that i dont like those tiktoks about her or that she thinks i find or have found my ex more attractive than her which both statements are not true at all but she has a hard time believing that, and even when i talked those out with her multiple times and thought she finally gets it, she brings those up in future arguments basically accusing me of false stuff. She started calling me a liar, it was getting to me because i lied about that one thing at one point i decided to confront her and tell her that i lied about it, she was crushed and broke up with me for a day because she felt betrayed, but she forgave me and came back to me next morning. With time her responses to me got less harsh, although the piled up accusations and problems she had towards me mixed up with me actually lying made my mental health crumble especially because everytime she enters that state of jealousy and negativity she can say stuff like "i hate you" "i wish i never met you" "youre a who…" "you're worthless" "you're so easy how did you go for a girl like that even though you didnt love her" and hundred more different phrases on top of blocking me afterwards (i feel like i was blocked like 40 times already). Because of that im scared of making her feel negative and jealous with what i say and i started to lie again. Even though i wish i could tell her the truth, when she asks me a question about my ex that i feel that the real answer would set her off badly i just can't stop myself from lying sometimes – for example she asked me if i saw a picture of my ex in a bikini, i lied and i said no, because of that i feel like a liar again because i lied to answers like that a few times overall. 2 weeks ago she interrogated me about what i was even attracted to in my ex appearance. I said that i was not much attracted to her face and when she asked me about her body i decided to answer genuinely and i said that i was attracted to her body which after that she told me she hates me and broke up with me for one day.. again. She came back we talked it out she had some small problems to me in the meantime but she felt insecure about herself. She asked me how was my ex body and again i genuinely answered and told her that my ex had a bigger ass but it had a worse shape and i liked hers more… she broke up with me after that and barely texted me for the whole christmas which then she came back to me.
Right now i'm scared to talk about anything ex related. My girlfriends jealousy paired up with constant interrogations and accusations on top of how she treats me make me feel every negative emotion out there. My girlfriend has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder few years ago (might be inaccurate because her symptoms are very similar if not the same as BPD). Because of that i know her reactions are not healthy and normal, on the other hand they affect me fully because she is kinda right – i lied to her about a major thing that affected her badly plus i lied to her a few times that she doesn't know about. When she accuses me of being a liar i tell her that im not with a huge sense of guilt boiling inside me because im lying about not being a liar. Looking back with what i learned about love i would not go for my ex at all if i turned back in time and i'd normally just accept that i acted in the past how i dont like right now and get over it, but because of my girlfriend i feel stuck on it and guilty about it. On the other hand she lied more than me, she told me in the beginning of the relationship that shes 2 years younger than she actually is and she admitted to that after i confessed to her my lie, also she lied about having 2 relationships in the past while in reality she had 4 and she was with one guy for 4 years on and off, but she brushes it off because i'm a liar too. I don't know why i didn't react badly to her lies but i feel like its a mix of me being a forgiving person and feeling guilty about myself being a liar too.
In summary our relationship looks like this: when she's feeling better towards me our relationship is normal we're loving, caring, communicate, there are her insecurities and jealousy peaking out but it's not making any problems. She's aware of her issues, is willing to work on our relationship, knows it's mostly on her that we have problems and feels bad and guilty for treating me this way. She just wants to love me and have a healthy relationship consistently with no restraints. When she's feeling worse towards me she interrogates me, asks me questions, explodes, blocks me, emotionally abuses me with her words, thinks i'm a cheating liar that is not over his ex and most importantly she thinks i don't find her the most attractive and special (which i genuinely do). And I'm here… i just don't know what to make out of anything. I feel hopeless, terrible about myself and my relationship but i want to make it work because i love her and she shows me that she loves me and is serious about me too. She actually took the courage to go to a psychologist after years because of me and will have her first visit in a week, so she's not just all talk with her wanting to be better.
**TL;DR**; : I feel guilty about lying to my girlfriend. Her false accusations, troubles with believing what i genuinely think of her and how she treats me make me feel terrible and confused about whats right and what steps to take. I want advice on how to manage and what to make out of this.