I’m 40 my wife 30, I don’t feel “trapped” in the sense that I don’t want to be married. I love my wife and I don’t want to leave. What I feel trapped by is not knowing what version of my marriage I’m waking up to from one day to the next.
Yesterday (Christmas) was fine. Today my wife woke up very late, was short with me, distant, and emotionally closed off. No argument. No explanation. Just a switch flipped.
This pattern has been happening more and more. We’ll have a period where things feel close — emotionally and physically — and then suddenly everything cools off. This month we’ve had sex once. There was no conversation, no fight, no clear reason. Just distance.
What’s hard is that communication doesn’t seem to help. If I ask what’s wrong, I’m told “nothing.” If I suggest doing something together, she says no. If I do something on my own, she gets upset. If I don’t do anything, I’m still wrong. It feels like every option leads to tension.
I’ve tried therapy. I’ve tried being patient. I’ve tried doing more around the house, being present with the kids, planning things, backing off, leaning in — nothing seems to create consistency. And this has only started feeling this bad in the last year or so after 9 years of marriage (11 years together).
I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and adjustment disorder, and the unpredictability of this dynamic makes it worse. I wake up every day feeling like I’m bracing myself emotionally. I don’t drink. I don’t cheat. I’m not out late. I’m not hiding anything. Yet I’m constantly accused of cheating or “being up to something” if I go anywhere without the kids. It’s exhausting.
I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to co-parent through courts or explain a divorce to friends and family. But I also can’t keep waking up feeling rejected, unwanted, and confused about why intimacy seems to make my wife angry or withdrawn.
Has anyone else experienced this “flip of a switch” feeling in their marriage? Especially from the partner who suddenly becomes disinterested in sex or closeness without explanation? If you were on either side of this, what was actually happening underneath it?
I’m just tired, and I’m trying to understand before I break.