My joke:
Andrzej had a fat, old dachshund. One day the dachshund comes up to him and says:
"Listen, Andrzej, enter me in the greyhound races."
Andrzej looks at the dachshund in shock…
"Come on, man, enter me. I’ll win."
The guy thinks, damn, I must be losing my mind – a dachshund is talking to me…
"Just trust me, I’m telling you, I’ll win for sure. Believe in me."
After some thought he finally decides that if a dachshund is talking to him, it must be something special, so he bets all his savings on him and even mortgages his house.
Race day comes.
The greyhounds take off, leaving the mangy dachshund far behind.
When the greyhounds reach the finish line, the dachshund, after shuffling a few meters, collapses on the ground, completely out of breath.
The guy, pissed off beyond belief, runs up to his dachshund and asks:
"Dachshund!? What the fuck just happened???"
"I don’t know, Andrzej… I really don’t know…"
25 comments
Is this the famous German humour I’ve heard so much about?
Where is the punchline, Hans?
Why do the people of Hafnarfhörður go down to the shore at Christmas?
They are waiting for te Christian book flood.p
Do you know why the Swede took a car door with him into the desert? Because if it became too hot he could simply roll down the window.
We also got a ton of these jokes where a Norwegian, Dane and a Swede goes to a bar or having some stupid competition and its always the Swede who lose.
Why does the squirrel has it’s tail behind?
Because the squirell is in front.
Blonde’s dog, This, escapes while she showers. She runs out after This and grabs a painting to hide her nakedness. Blonde then asks her neighbor if he had seen This. He responds “Yes, but never in frames”.
the hunter found a bunny but the bunny didn’t think so
Did you know the Belgians invented the first condom? They used sheep intestines.
The Dutch improved it by taking the intestines out of the sheep.
Ig in Portugal, a good cultural joke would be this one:
A foreigner is lost in Alentejo and sees an Alentejan relaxing by a tree. The foreign asks:
-“Hi, do you know where this road goes?”,to which the alentejan replies:
-” This road won´t go anywhere, bc the people need it here!”
The stereotype is that alentejans are rly lazy ppl. Yup, they are mostly countryside people, but they are the laziest guys in the country.
From Trump’s first term:
Trump, the Pope, a middle school boy and a pilot are on a small private plane. Suddenly the engines stop working. The pilot announces the energency, but realises there are only three parachutes on board. The pilot grabs one, says “My kids need me” and jumps. Trump says ” I am the smartest president ever. The world needs me.”, grabs a parachute and jumps. The Pope turns to the boy and says: “I will go to heaven. You take the last parachute.” “No worries” , says the boy. “The smartest president ever grabbed my bag pack.”
Man walks past chemical plant and see a guy scoops water with his left hand from the river and drinking
– yo! Stop! Wtf are you doing?! It’s poisonous! Can’t you see chemical plant behind you?
– Что вьі ґоворітє нє поні маю(*answers in russian*)
– Use both hands!
A bunny walks into a pharmacy and says:
“Hello! Do you have any carrots?”.
“No, we don’t sell carrots”, says the pharmacist.
The bunny leaves. The next day he comes again:
“Hello! Do you have any carrots now?”
“No, it’s a pharmacy, not a grocery store, we never sell carrots!”
The bunny leaves. The next day he returns:
“Hello again! Do you have carrots yet?”
“Listen, I’m telling you for the last time, this is a pharmacy, we don’t sell any food ever! If you come here again and ask about carrots, I’ll nail your ears to the floor!!!”
The next day the bunny walks in again:
“Hello! Do you have any nails?”
“NO!!! WE DON’T HAVE ANY GODDAMN NAILS!!!”
“And carrots?”
I saved this post. Maybe I’ll tell you my Finnish joke some day.
A Dutchman, a Belgian and a German are at a swimming pool where whatever you wish, the water will turn into.
The Dutchman goes first and shouts “money!” and jumps into a pool of money.
Then the Belgian goes and shouts “beer!” and jumps into a pool of beer.
Lastly the German goes, he slips and shouts “scheisse!”
A soldier’s father dies and the news reach the commandment of his platoon. A sergeant is tasked with finding a tactful way to bring the sad news. He lines the platoon and commands: Right dress! Attention! All those whose fathers are alive, two steps forward… and where do you think you’re going, Ivanov?!
A classic Swedish joke:
What’s the similarity between Stockholmers and sperm? Answer: There are a whole lot of them, but not many turn out be decent people.
“All the children were dancing happily around the well,
except for Finn, as he fell in.”
Danish joke, peak childhood comedy, takes me back.
(See, it’s funny because in and Finn rhymes, and that children die. I think there’s a whole series of these, actually.)
(Note for foreigners: In Italy, we usually say that people from Genova are stingy)
A man from Genova is travelling on a train from Genova to Rome. After two hours he needs to go to the toilet because he has bellyache. He sits, does anything he has to do, then notices that toilet paper is missing, but fortunately he remembers he has a paper tissue in his pocket. He stands up, pulls the paper tissue out, but a 20 cents coin falls in the toilet, right above his shit. He doesn’t know what to do, and stares the coin for a couple of minutes, then he takes a decision. He looks for a 1 euro coin in his pocket and throws it next to the twenty cents coin. “20 cents? Not worth it. But for 1,2 euro, …”
Two friends go hunting in the woods.
One of the two need to take a piss so leave thr trail, unzip his pants and starts pissing, without noticing the poisonus snake in front of him.
The poison snake bites him on the dick
At this point the wounded hunter calls his friend “Carlo, Carlo come here now”
When Carlo reach the scene and understand what happend his idea is “let’s call the doctor he would know what to do. Here there is no signal so I need to do down 300 meters and come back, hold yourself my friend you will be fine”
Carlo runs down the forrest and calls the doctor
“Doctor ,doctor my beloved friend has been bitten by a venomous snake, what I should do?”
“You need to suck the poison out of the wound. Suck, suck hard it is important ”
“Is there another way?”
“No if you don’t have the drugs with you,
Carlo come back from his friend, that now is feeling sick
“Carlo, my friend, what did the doctor told you?”
“You will die, no hope”
There’s different versions of this joke, but this one is the one I personally like the most:
A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian decided to have a swimming contest between two points.
The Norwegian goes first, swims to half distance, gets tired and drowns.
Then the Swede goes, swims 75% of the distance, gets tired and drowns.
Finally the Finn goes, swims to half distance, gets tired and swims back to the start.
Two women were coming home from a night out. At one point they need to use the toilet but can’t find one so they go into a cemetery nearby. As they look for a hidden place one says “but I don’t have any toilet paper, I think I’ll just use my underwear” and the other also says she will find something.
The next day their husbands meet.
“Listen, what were our wives up to last night? Mine came home without panties!”
The other one says “that’s not so bad, mine came home with a ribbon between her butt cheeks that said “We will never forget you! Signed: the brothers Popescu””
(Context. Not sure if you have that but for burials relatives and friends make some fir tree decorations called coroane with ribbons saying who they are from, and they are put on graves)
Ok so this hits quite cheap shots at everyone and below the belt so you’ve been warned. It’s also a little old.
Europe could have been total paradise on earth. Could have had French cuisine, Italian lovers, German engineering, English culture and history, and all organised by the Swiss.
Instead, it got English cuisine, Swiss lovers, French engineering, German history, and all organised by the Italians.
An American, a French and a Roma are discussing their wives:
The American: Guys – you won’t believe this, but every time my dear Sarah is riding her horse on the ranch she has to raise her feet to avoid touching the ground. Not because the horse would be so short, but rather because my Sarah’s legs are so beautifully long!
The French: I know that feeling! Every time I hug my beloved Alice, my hand reaches around her waist. Not because my palms would be so enormously large, but rather because my wife has such a charming tight waist!
The Roma: Gentlemen, I can top both of you. Every morning when I’m leaving to work I spank the buttocks of my sweet Mari and when I get home it’s still shaking. Not because my wife would have such a big bum, but rather because I get home from work so quickly!
The joke I’m about to tell is pun-based that doesn’t translate but I’m going to tell it anyways:
What did Lech Wałęsa say when his car didn’t start? The coil wire has to be replaced.
The Finnish term for the (ignition) coil wire is *puolan johto* which can also mean Polish leadership.
A nun asks children at the religion class:
Dear children, I have a riddle for you. What is a name of this thing – an animal that climbs trees and collects nuts?
The class is silent.
Come on, children, you really don’t know the answer? A tiny animal, climbs trees, with a red tail and a pair of teeth.
The class is silent, nobody raises hand.
The nun addresses Jaś – Jaś, do you know the answer?
Jaś answers: I would say it’s a squirrel, but as far as I know you the answer is Jesus Christ.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. We are very efficient and have no sense of humor.