Hi I 33M and wife 32f, have been together now 7 years married 4. We have a child who 18 months. I’ll begin with some background on us. I am a truck driver by trade. I’m gone late Sunday afternoon until late Friday afternoon or Friday night. I’m usually working a 14 hour shift m-f. My wife works in food service part time, due to the fact of how expensive childcare is she wants to be full time again but isn’t financially worth it. Our parents are all retired and help watch our child when she does work.
We are like most young couples, credit card debt that we couldn’t handle that went to collections, I reached out to a debt attorney and for a year now have worked through there negotiations department. They have represented us in the last 2 lawsuits and worked with them to get them settled. I have about 3 more years of monthly payments until we are debt free.
Last year after our child was born I came off the road and took a local position with my company. It paid by the hour but no overtime pay, even though I worked 55-60 hours a week. We struggled with bills and house payment at first. We made too much and did not qualify for WIC. So all that was out of pocket. Her father stepped in and offered to pay our mortgage while I took a huge pay cut. I took about a 12k cut last year. I’ve since went back otr regional toward the end of last year and have worked us back into a better spot like before. My wife since then has been taking basically full care of child while I’m away. I come home for the weekends and off on the holidays. Ok end of background.
Lately we have been distant from each other not really feeling how to reconnect again. She became upset with me yesterday because she felt I wasn’t giving enough thought to her because she needed a break. I will admit she was watching our child most of the day, which was wrong of me. But, she also at the end of the night became upset with me, she was upset that I didn’t take our child home from brothers to get a nap instead she did it while I stayed, she was upset that I ran to the gas station to get a case of water because it was asked of me by my bro, and I didn’t specifically say where I was going. She then said she was upset because later in the evening I sat down to play some cards like we do every Christmas, because I didn’t ask if was ok to play or if she wanted to play instead. She became upset enough towards evening because our child needed to go home to bed and we could only stay another 40ish minutes. I said ok and checked the time. Not even 15 minutes later she started packing up our child and hurried out to the car. I ran out to help and she wouldn’t let me giving me the cold shoulder. And she drove home. I went back inside and grabbed my things and walked home. I got home to her playing with the toys that we got for Christmas. We talked a bit because I was trying to figure out the situation because like any man, I’m not the best with body cues, I can read some of them though.
We had an argument. Over the whole situation. She mentioned how I should’ve taken care of our child, because she is stuck with her all week and that’s she’s always tired. And that on the weekends she would just like to, in a lack of better words, unload our daughter off on me so I can watch and take care of her. I was upset and angry during this fight that I unfortunately let out my anger upon my night stand drawer.
for note I will never become physical with my wife or child, I came from a home where I was physically abused by one of my siblings. From a young age onward until he moved out. Both of my parents worked full time plus some to keep us clothed, fed and a roof over our head. I deal with undiagnosed stress induced ptsd (at least that’s what my private psychiatrist says) from my time as an infantryman in the army. I became a volunteer fireman after my ets, and have been on some medical calls that still haunt me. Hence why the psych. I am on meds to deal with all that. But back to the story.
I know it’s not ok to let my frustration out like I did, even she has said that to me. After this had all happened while I was trying to get our daughter to go to sleep she ran to her bffs to blow off steam. She apologised for running when she did but it didn’t really bother me. I get it she needed to cool down and so did I. After she came back we had a conversation about yesterday. She explained that she felt unappreciated for her efforts during the week and on the weekend she just wants me time/ alone time. She reiterated that she’s always tired, amongst all that she does for our daughter and our home. I tried to have conversation about how I felt in the situation and that if she needed a break or wanted to play cards instead, that she should have said so. I have no problem stepping away and letting her do what she needs or wants. But in that conversation I tried honestly explaining how I’ve felt lately but she shut me down saying how I always make this about me, saying I always me it a woe is me scenario. Lately in the marriage I have been finding myself when we have even small arguments, I don’t try to put in my feelings, that I just say you know what it’s not worth it. But last night I wanted to but couldn’t. I hold it in until it gets too much and then we have the hard conversations.
Fast forward to today, I woke up around 7 to our daughter awake and ready for the day. So I begrudgingly crawled out of bed. And went and got her, did our morning routine, and watched part of polar express. I let my wife sleep in. My daughter and I then went out for breakfast before coming back home. I had forgotten I had virtual marriage counselling toward and hurried and got my wife just for that part. She got up even though she didn’t want to. After my session was done I came back from my hidey hole and could still feel the tension from her. I asked what was wrong and she said nothing. I tried to give her a hug but she didn’t want touched. Finally she blurted out that she’s miserable and doesn’t like our marriage before walking away. I felt hurt, because honestly I feel stressed and partly miserable inside. I feel unappreciated for my efforts trying to keep our home afloat.
I don’t know how to go about from here, I’m sitting here with my daughter napping on my chest. Still figuring out how to fix this. For context with my daughter and little time I have at home each weekend and things needing fixed around home. I’m in the scenario of if I spend the time fixing things and not enough time with her, I’m a bad father. But if I spend the majority of the time with my daughter and not fixing things that need done. I’ve been compared to being lazy. By her saying when I get home I don’t want to do anything. I’m just lost here. Any advice is needed. Thanks in advance