My partner 40M and I 30F have been together just over 2 years. We live together, plan a future, and both want kids.
When we were first dating, he said marriage wasn’t important to him but he would do it if it was important to his partner. He did mention his parents’ bad divorce and some other unsuccessful marriages in his extended family.
On our 1st year anniversary, he agreed that for our 2nd anniversary we could go ring shopping. So he seemed on board with marriage. However, a few months after that, he said 2 years in would be too soon for ring shopping and that he has hang ups about the institution of marriage. At the time, I encouraged him to speak with a therapist so that he could have clarity on his stance about marriage. It took 5 months before he reached out to a therapist (it was a busy time for him at work- but still, 5 months). And since then he has spoken to 2 different therapists but neither has been a good fit for various reasons. He is now in the process of reaching out to a therapist that has been recommended by a friend.
About halfway through this year, he said he does see us getting married one day but wouldn’t give a timeline. We agreed to revisit the timeline question in December (this month). Well recently he told me he’s unsure about getting married due to his parents’ bad divorce. He still wants a life with me and children, but marriage itself is now uncertain.
He’s in therapy to work through his hang-ups on “the institution of marriage”. I set February as my personal limit for clarity on whether he even believes in marriage. He agreed and we’ll have monthly check-ins.
I’m struggling to feel emotionally safe while this question is unresolved. My personal values wouldn’t allow me to have the life we plan without marriage (I wouldnt have children with someone I wasn’t married to). Even if he eventually says yes, I worry about trusting him because he seems to flip flop on this topic. I find myself pulling back emotionally to try and feel safe and cautious.