I'm dating a woman who's basically the woman of my dreams. We've been together coming up 8 months now. I didn't think I'd find love again after splitting from my controlling, negative and antisocial serial cheating ex wife, and I was ok with that. I didn't want to deal with love any more. I'd been with my ex since I was 18, married at 32, ended at 33. Now I'm 35. My whole adult life was with her and I juggle regretting it but also accepting that it was the path I chose at the time. I felt a shell of myself when I left and just wanted to focus on me. I was seriously prepared to live a single life for the rest of my days. Except I think God had other plans. I got therapy, and I met my girlfriend a month after leaving. 6 months later we became official. It was quick yes but I fell hard and fast and can say now 8 months in I love her more deeply than I ever knew was possible, far more even than my ex wife who I was with for 15+ years. My girlfirend has changed my life and I never imagined it was possible to have a love like this. Truly a miracle.
There's one thing I hate to admit I have an issue with though. Sex with my partner is great and exciting, but she doesn't orgasm easily. She was a virgin when I met her, quite shy and unsure so I take the lead mostly (which suits me just fine) But it's messing with me. She's the 2nd woman I've slept with, first and only before that was my ex. My ex orgasmed from penetration pretty quickly, usually within 3-5 minutes. Not faked. Obvious, messy orgasms. My new girlfriend can't finish from penetration, oral, or my fingers. I once went down on her for 40 minutes. Tried everything. She can't finish from anything I do, so we now use toys to get her there. But even with toys, like vibrators or clit toys, it will take anywhere from 30 minutes to over an hour before she orgasms, and she has to be kissing me. She cannot finish, even when I'm doing all sorts of crazy things with her and to her whilst the toys are going, unless I'm kissing her. That's not an issue, please don't get me wrong, I'm just illustrating that she needs very specific circumstances to orgasm.
Problem is I don't like having actual sex with her unless she's orgasmed first, because I myself can barely last 5 minutes and then I'm checked out and need down time. But it's affecting me because now when she wants me to go first, I go soft, because I know she's not going to come from it and it probably doesn't feel that great for her, then we have to stop. It might sound crazy but it just happens, and it's annoying. It affects her too. I want her to orgasm first, but it's created this tension sometimes because she doesn't always want to orgasm first, or necessarily at all. She finds it exhausting or pressuring sometimes to get her there because of all the effort it takes and she said she enjoys me inside her even if she can't finish from it. But, I'm going soft 9/10 in her unless she's finished first. If she's finished first, it's no problem at all. I go to town and it's bloody bliss. But she's insecure by how long it takes her and I think that in turns makes it take even longer for her to get there. So it's a cycle. Me going soft a lot started when my ex cheated and I stupidly tried to make it work with her after. I never used to have erection issues before that. Maybe it's carrying through to my new partner.
How do we handle this?