Hi everyone I 24F have had undiagnosed but likely primary vaginismus since I lost my virginity at 17. Right now I can consistently put in my own middle finger no problem and have been able to use tampons normally in the past. I do have the plus one dilator set and have been using those for a few weeks now. There are 4 sizes and I’m on size 2. In the past sex has been impossible but tonight I hooked up with a guy and it almost worked (in my standards not really in his). He I guess was on the average/smaller side which tbh was relieving to me as someone who can’t handle big lol.
Anyway he didn’t do a lot of like foreplay activities for me but he got in me even tho I had a hard time staying still. He was in me a few times maybe a minute at a time. While he was in me it burned but objectively it wasnt awful. But I was so in my head that I would freak out and tense up. I tried taking deep breaths which helped but I said no a lot and that it hurt which I think frustrated him.
So I am happy that a penis was in me for any amount of time successfully but also after going a few times I eventually broke into tears. It felt very overwhelming but honestly it didn’t seem like he cared. After he went on instagram then drove me back to my car which was disappointing bc I wanted some love after that. I feel so alone and like I’m a freak for not being able to have sex normally. Honestly it was only like a 6 out of 10 and almost manageable with deep breaths but his frustration made me anxious. And I am still sore so he was definently inside me lol.
Tonight I think I learned I need to stop trying casual sex because I need someone who will be patient with me and make me feel 100% safe as well as get me ready first lol. And also I think the dilators are working because this actually resulted in a penis being inside.