There has been a lot of tension between my wife and I and most of it can be attributed to the stress of raising a toddler and managing our full time jobs. We don't have grandparents around to help watch the kids so kid goes to preschool full time.
We've been on trips before with the kid, but after coming back we feel like we need a vacation from the vacation due to the stress. We decided something needed to change, so we left our kid at his grandparents for the weekend, and went on the trip just the two of us. Lo and behold it was amazing, turns out we didn't hate each other, we just needed alone time! It felt like we were our old selves and didn't have any arguments the entire trip. We felt rejuvenated and relaxed and couldn't wait to plan our next trip. I highly recommend this if you are a parent to young kids and are feeling distant with your spouse.
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Last year this happened with us, it was rejuvenating until it wasn’t again and back to the same issues. So work is still needed but so glad to hear this went well for you!
It’s vital once you become a parent to maintain an identity as an individual and one as a couple that’s completely separate from being a parent. While your child is your #1 priority, it doesn’t mean that other things aren’t important.
One of many reasons we stopped at 1 kid is the ability to travel without him. We’ve been to Italy and France multiple times, had weekend getaways, date nights that involved a hotel, etc. I joke with my wife that my favorite version of her is vacation wife. She’s fully present, spontaneous, and a lot of fun. The stressors of life/parenting don’t always allow that to come out.
It’s important for couples to have time alone just as it’s important for them to spend vacation time with their kids. With people having limited vacation time from work it’s great that you are able to balance them out.
Those fist three years are pretty rough on the relationship. Than there is more space to breath. We are lucky grandparents and aunts/uncles are part of the picture.
Can confirm. A weekend of relaxation, cocktails, and chowing down on each other’s privates will really brighten the mood.
There is a time for everything.
There is also a time for having your kids there ( joy of seeing them on vacation)
Have a balance. Its not about extremes.
Raising kids and both working full time is STRESSFUL and can take a toll on a relationship. Minimum one trip away per year for us has made a big difference. Usually an anniversary weekend or something. Nature, backpacking, hiking are our favorite ones. We also take occasional ‘trips’ at home as a sort of connection therapy and this has made a huge difference in our positivity and adaptability as partners. We hit a milestone this year with both kids being adults (18,23) now. It’s just as stressful having adult offspring, just in different ways.
The stress of every day life can surely add up.
I almost got downright bitter about family vacations. My poor wife had a lot of trauma in her pregnancies / deliveries and her ppd was really bad too. It affected her mental health heavily. The burden of having to provide for the family financially was also really hard on me. My job security has always been shaky due to the type of work I do and the companies I worked for. Managing being a home owner, father, husband and full time employee is a lot. Anything she wasn’t capable of doing I had no choice but to do, so a lot of the domestic responsibilities also fell on me. Bath time, bed time, changing diapers, taking the kids to daycare/school and picking them up, making meals, picking up the house, yard work, doctors appointments…. etc.
So when we’d go on vacation, especially back then, I never truly felt like I ever got a second to actually relax. Any time the kids started acting up it would trigger her. Any time they needed anything it was me who needed to handle it. All I saw was stress, aggravation, and expense.
Our marriage was pushed to the place where I’d actually filed for divorce. She moved out. It was bad.
Things are going in a better direction now. We are working towards saving the marriage. I feel better about things than I did in a long time.
Your point is spot on. Make time for each other. Put those kids to bed by 8 or 8:30 every night so that you and your partner can have time together. Even if it’s sitting together on the livingroom couch and watching a show together. Relaxing in the soaker tub together. Sharing a glass of wine and talking for half an hour. Regular sex. Talk to each other. Listen to each other. Make sure you have two or three date nights each month that’s just the two of you.
I don’t get why more couples don’t do this. A vacation with young kids doesn’t sound like a vacation at all. Just sounds like parenting in a different state
This only really works if you have a good-working marriage with your spouse that needs a recharge. Using this to “save” your marriage isn’t likely going to work because those problems will be still there when you get back, ready to be activated the second you step through that door.
Any good counselor or therapist agree with the nation of “when it comes to having kids, your marriage comes first.” They’re not saying “neglect your kids because only your marriage matters!” but they’re saying don’t let your kids always be the main priority 24/7 because then your marriage never gets the attention & care it needs, and it’s not if but when it’ll be dead & no longer salvageable.
Before kids, your marriage can be run passively because making it a “priority” is easy when it’s the default one. When you have kids, that passive approach doesn’t work anymore because there’s *always* a reason to be found why your kids need the attention/priority but your marriage doesn’t. Do that enough times and you’ll go from happy, loving spouses to two co-parenting roommates running a free in-home daycare.
It’s called “empty-nest syndrome” for a reason, because people become so estranged that they realize they don’t actually have a marriage anymore after the kids leave and there’s nothing to really “save.”
I think this is less about the vacation and more about prioritizing your relationship with your spouse.
One of the biggest reasons I didn’t want kids was because I saw how my parents sacrificed their own hobbies, friendships, and relationship to raise us.
They did a great job, but we have all been out of the house for a long time and they STILL lack an identity outside of parenting. They mostly sit at home and expect one of us to go see them instead of embracing retirement to get out there and do the stuff they put off for so long.
Kids are important and I understand the huge workload makes it difficult, but keep dating your wife. All the things you did when you first met her, keep doing those things. You might not have time to go on vacations all the time, but do the little things that make it clear that she is still a priority and is more than just a parent.
> We don’t have grandparents around to help watch the kids so kid goes to preschool full time.
Do you have one kid, or multiple?
> so we left our kid at his grandparents for the weekend,
So you do have grandparents around, or don’t you?
Spoiler. Not having children saves your marriage or it shows hard and clear that you don’t belong together longterm.
We had our first holiday without kids after 24 years.
Was amazing. Spent the whole week naked.
A vacation with young kids is just another job and should be thought of as such. Especially if there is lot of traveling. Leaving the kids with their grandparents for a weekend and going on a trip with my wife was much more relaxing.
So similar story here but we waited too long. We didn’t have family around, didn’t always have well paying jobs (2008 sucked) and spent 15ish years solely focused on raising our kids and surviving. One day we were able to survive and realized that we no longer really knew each other. The following 6-12 months? Yeah those were rough as we navigated figuring out the person we had been married to for the last 20 years but didn’t really know anymore. It was weird.
Glad to hear! Remember that the time between trips counts very much so as well. Those tiny, seemingly inconsequential moments where you turn towards your spouse instead of away can really impact your relationship, even more than a week or two in paradise.
My wife and I try to take a couple of trips together every year – even if it’s just for a weekend. Our kid isn’t even a pain on trips and is a blast to travel with but being alone together definitely reignites that spark that can go missing during the hustle of every day life.
Just here to agree 100% and don’t make it just one trip if at all possible. If you’re in a position where time and resources allow, make sure it’s at least an annual thing separate from a fixed family vacation!