I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) for about a year and a half. We met in college and started dating while we were both still students. Overall, our relationship is good. He’s loving, supportive, close with his family, and we spend a lot of time together. I care about him a lot and that’s why this situation has been really upsetting for me.
When we were still in school, he was in a group project with two girls. One of them (now 21F) immediately made me uncomfortable. I want to be clear that I’m completely fine with my boyfriend having female friends. We have a big mixed-gender friend group, I have male friends myself, and I’ve never had issues with any of his other friendships. This felt different.
She was very flirty with him in ways that felt unnecessary. Constant joking, inside jokes, Snapchatting each other a lot, using filters on him, and challenging him to games on her phone while I was literally sitting right there. I often felt excluded while watching them interact. She never tried to be friends with me or include me, even though we were all together sometimes.
She also FaceTimed him multiple times while he was at my house, including once when I had just gotten out of the shower. When I asked why she was calling, he said she wanted to show him someone they both knew who she saw at a bar. It felt intrusive and inappropriate, especially since it was happening while he was spending time with me.
She made comments that stuck with me, like joking about being invited to our wedding someday. On paper that sounds harmless, but the tone felt sarcastic and off. As another woman, it didn’t feel innocent.
After he graduated, I assumed the contact would stop. It didn’t. She continued texting him, often late at night around 10 or 11 pm. At one point I saw a text pop up while we were watching a movie together, and he said she was sending him a phone game score because they used to “compete.” That alone might not be a big deal, but combined with everything else, it made me uncomfortable.
More recently, she started reaching out to him for career advice. She was trying to get a job at the same large company he works at. I also work at this company in a different department, and she knows that. We follow each other on LinkedIn, and she even liked my post about starting there. Despite that, she chose to reach out to my boyfriend instead of me for advice about interviews, parking, and general questions.
A couple weeks ago, I finally told him clearly that her continued contact made me uncomfortable. I explained that it wasn’t about him having female friends, but about this specific girl and the way she interacted with him. He said he understood and told me he wouldn’t talk to her anymore. I felt relieved at the time.
Here’s where things get harder.
After that conversation, I found out he continued texting her anyway. I also discovered that he muted their conversation and later deleted the entire text thread. This is what really broke my trust. If nothing inappropriate was going on, I don’t understand why the messages needed to be muted or deleted, especially after he had already told me he would stop talking to her.
I’m not proud of how I found this out, but I did, and now I can’t un-know it. Since then, I feel like the situation didn’t actually end, it just went underground. I feel like I’m being reassured verbally while things are being handled quietly in the background.
What hurts the most is that I didn’t ask him to block her or make a big scene. I just asked for clear boundaries so I could feel secure. Instead, I feel like I’m being made to feel calm on the surface while information is being hidden.
I’ve been cheated on in every past relationship I’ve had, so I know that history makes me sensitive to situations like this. I try hard not to project that onto him, but I also feel like muting and deleting messages crosses a line regardless of my past.
I don’t want to control who my boyfriend talks to. I don’t want to monitor his phone or live in a state of suspicion. I just want honesty, transparency, and to feel like my partner is protecting the relationship instead of managing my reaction.
At this point, I’m not sure what to do. Do I bring this up directly and risk a huge argument about trust and privacy? Do I walk away because the trust already feels damaged? Or am I overreacting and reading too much into behavior that could have an innocent explanation?
I feel sad that this has gotten to this point, and I hate that I feel anxious in a relationship that’s otherwise been good. I’m just looking for outside perspectives on whether this is a boundary issue that can be repaired, or a sign that something more serious is wrong.
Any advice would really help.
TL;DR: My boyfriend kept talking to a girl who’s been flirty and made me uncomfortable for over a year, even after he agreed to stop. I later found out he muted and deleted their messages. I’m fine with him having female friends, but the secrecy and broken boundary hurt my trust, and I’m not sure if this is something that can be fixed or if it’s a bigger red flag.