So I am 19, and my entire life I haven't been able to get anything (fingers or tampons) in my vagina without intense pain or at the least strong discomfort, and I didn't think I'd ever be able to find pleasure in intercourse. But last night for the first time I fingered myself and found I guess my g spot? I've only ever orgasmed from clitoral stimulation, but last night I was touching myself with lube and i just kept going deeper and it didn't feel uncomfortable anymore, and when I orgasmed I was like. OHHHH, so THATS why people have penetrative sex. I feel so confused even though I guess now that I type it out it shouldn't be that confusing? I'm just like, how did I never feel like it was possible / comfortable / pleasurable till now?? Was my body just not developed enough for it before? Before people ask, this isn't the first time I used lube while fingering myself, it still used to feel really uncomfortable when I tried any time before last night.
There are two possible factors. I am FTM and have been on testosterone since I was 14. The second one is possible childhood SA but I'm not sure if that really happened (unfortunately I have a lot of trauma and I'm so dissociated about it that I can't tell if these memories are made up or not).
Honestly it feels really healing and empowering to orgasm in this way? That sounds strange and dumb but I have felt really disconnected from my body my entire life and somehow that orgasm made me feel a lot more attached to my body. Brains are so weird…
TLDR: why would vaginal penetration suddenly not be painful anymore when I didn't do anything differently and it has been my entire life?