Hi everyone.
I’m a 21M and recently broke up with my girlfriend (21F). The relationship ended badly, mostly because of my behavior. I lied, acted ambiguously, crossed boundaries, and avoided responsibility when things got hard. I fully own that. This post is not to shift blame.
What I’m trying to understand now is something deeper that I hadn’t really seen clearly until after the breakup: I was deeply insecure and jealous of her life.
Not just of other people, but of her specifically.
She has a very rich social life — close friends she sees almost daily, strong friendships in different cities, a family with money, the ability to travel a lot, places to spend summers, stability. She speaks English fluently, sings beautifully, moves through the world with ease. Her life felt… coherent.
And instead of feeling inspired, I felt small.
The worst part is that she actually admired me a lot, especially at the beginning. She once told me that when we were getting to know each other, she even made herself a summer “learning plan” (science, philosophy, sociology, math) because she saw me as very smart and wanted to feel “at my level”. That should have made me feel secure — but it didn’t.
Over time, I started doing the opposite: constantly putting myself down in front of her.
Making comparisons like:
- “You look amazing without trying, I go to the gym all the time and I’m still like this.”
- Comparing our heights, careers, prospects. Basically teaching the relationship to see me as “less”.
I think I did this because I’m terrified of disappointing people. Being admired feels like a debt I can’t repay. So instead of risking falling from a pedestal, I slowly dismantled it myself.
That dynamic ended up poisoning everything: my self-respect, her emotional safety, the trust between us. Eventually I acted in ways I’m ashamed of, and the relationship ended.
Now I’m left with a lot of guilt, grief, and one big question:
How do you stop turning admiration, comparison, and envy into self-sabotage in a relationship?
How do you build a sense of self that doesn’t depend on being “at the same level” as your partner, or on being admired?
I’m not asking how to get her back. I know that’s not something Reddit — or I — can control.
I’m asking how to not repeat this pattern again, because right now I see that I helped destroy something real.
Any perspective — especially from people who’ve been on either side of this dynamic — would help.
Thanks for reading.
TL;DR;
I (21M) recently broke up with my girlfriend (21F) after lying, avoiding responsibility, and crossing boundaries. I fully own that. What I’m trying to understand now is a deeper pattern: I was deeply insecure and jealous of her life (friends, money, travel, stability), even though she admired me and saw me as intelligent. Instead of handling that well, I constantly put myself down in front of her and turned admiration and comparison into self-sabotage, which poisoned the relationship.
Questions:
How do you stop comparing yourself to your partner in a way that destroys self-respect and intimacy?
How do you accept being admired without feeling like you’re going to disappoint and needing to tear yourself down first?
How do you build a sense of self that isn’t dependent on “being at the same level” as your partner?