Both me and my wife have our fair share of mental issues, and I am FAR from perfect, but by God I at least try. Me and my wife have been married almost 18 years, and it's been such a slow burn to realize who she truly is, I could kick myself for wasting the best years of my life with this person.
We are in the UK, and while it's easy to say "just leave", we also have 3 kids, why should I be the one to leave my living legacies and my reason for existence because the other person refuses to work on themselves? I can't kick her out either.
She has 0 (and I mean ZERO) empathy for others, she's irrational and illogical, everything is a damn fight with her. She gets all her info on men and how men should act from dumb, toxic Facebook reels and YouTube shorts, she spends a lot of time watching male thirst traps on tiktok and comparing me to kpop idols and stuff. And before someone says "wow you sound bitter" that's because I damn well am bitter.
My children are the absolute best, they're my best friends, and we are so close, I've done everything with them since the moment they were born (put them to bed, change nappies, days out, time, education etc etc) my 16 year old son even said to me the other week how proud he was that I was his dad (how many 16 year old boys say that to their fathers) and my wife just sulks about it, and claims I've brainwashed the kids against her and that only she sees me for what I am. She's insecure and takes it out on me, she suffers with anxiety and depression (same) but Instead of looking inward and getting to the root cause of her problems, she's content to blame me. I've tried many MANY times over the years to get her on the right track for mental health help, we've been to Dr's appointments, had phone consultations and the like, but they never go anywhere because her attitude is that she's fine and it's others who are the problem. She doesn't believe therapy helps anyone, and apparently has the "evidence" to prove it (evidence being an unqualified idiot on Facebook). It's relentless day in, day out. It's not good for the kids, it's not good for me, and it's not good for her.
I've tried sitting her down and discussing things calmly, and it simply doesn't work. She gets REALLY mad when criticized (and what ticks me off is that she says I can't take criticism myself, even though anyone who knows me understands that it's one of my stronger traits). I've also tried to "blame myself" so to speak, by switching the focus from her, to me (for example "is there anything I can do to help you" or whatever) and it's met with me being called a pussy and/or her not being honest.
She's ALWAYS looking for me to fail, but never actually acknowledges anything good, when I do the dishes, she hovers around me waiting for me to miss a bit and when she spots it she throws the dish in the sink, soaks me, and demands I do it again. She will then go on a tirade about how I'm utterly useless and that she will do them next time, next time eventually comes around and she will complain that I'm not doing the dishes. If I happen to find a bot that SHE'S missed however I'd better keep my mouth firmly shut.
She will move furniture around daily, it's one of her things, this is fine, if she gets comfort from doing that then great, but she moves my daughter's room around a lot too, which really upsets her and she's basically told to grow up (she's 13, and I believe a child's bedroom should be their sanctuary, a place of stability in all the chaos they experience, my wife says this is psychobabble), but in regards to furniture moving, she will start when the youngest comes home from school, or bed time, so I have to take over, that's fine, but if I have to use the bathroom at any point? Well that must be me shirking my responsibilities to the kids, at least that's her view.
I hate her so much, she makes me miserable. The sex is atrocious, she says she only gets turned on when she thinks of guys, and when I say that's bullshit and don't want any part in it, she gets angry at my rejection… But I'm not allowed to show any form of emotion regarding it when I'm rejected… And I fucking hate myself for even finding her attractive. She will push and push and push, and 9/10 times I'm as calm as a hindu cow but when I do explode she's there with a shit eating grin like she's won, then I feel ashamed and guilty, and thus the cycle begins again.
She's just fucking horrible to be around, tellse I don't do fuck all with her yet anything I suggest she shoots it down. She's always tell me I should've been taller, more athletic, richer, more well endowed etc etc but when I try and teach her a lesson and discuss her weight, or vaginal tightness, she hits the fucking roof like how dare I even consider it (I'm not trying to be petty, nor do I care about her vaginal tightness, I'm trying to get her to understand how these things hurt/how fruitless it is).
It's just relentless. I get up before her every day, have done for over a decade, except on the days I'm ill and hoo boy, woe betide me if I get ill. I once had pharyngitis, I had a high fever, my throat was literally bleeding, laryngeal spasms where I couldn't breathe and whatnot and I was STILL made to take the kids to school, I STILL got it in the neck about how I do anything to get out of doing stuff for the kids.
She had an affair a few years ago now, and STUPIDLY I fell for the sunk cost fallacy and forgave her, and truly I have forgiven her for it, it's the one and only time she has said sorry, and it was more physical than emotional. She's genuinely not normally that way inclined and I trust her in that regard now, and I KNOW that may subconsciously make her not respect me, but this behavior of hers isn't new (in hindsight), but even though I've forgiven her for that, I struggle to forgive her lack of insight about herself.
I'm just rambling. I can't leave this place due to a financial agreement with my mother (who owns the property we live in), UK law gives custody to mothers almost automatically or joint custody, but why should I be a part time dad? I don't want that, and the kids don't want it either. I can't remove her from the property. PLUS we would be financially crippled as separate entities.
It fucking sucks 😞
I don't necessarily NEED advice, I just wanted to vent.
I apologize for any spelling errors.
Cheers