The other day I started experiencing a huge drop in energy and happiness. My depression hit a rare low and i got bad news at work, that i wasn't qualified for a work program because I wasn't in good standing with the company. I got in an argument with a coworker and was reported for harassment.
It wasn't worth winning the argument. I would have been able to get a CDL and a higher paying job or career but now im still stuck making less than 20 an hour. I was feeling worthless and stupid, and like a bad husband and father. I started thinking maybe they would be better iff with my life insurance pay out, or just without me. I thought about offing myself repeatedly.
Finally i came home and fell into bed beside my wife. I held her legs and just cried. She didn't wake up at first, but when i laid beside her and rolled away, she put her arm around me in her sleep and my shaking woke her up. I cried in her arms for forty minutes, asking her to forgive me and promising to be a better husband. She told me i didn't do anything wrong, just silly. She told me i was a good husband and she's happy she married me. She told me she loves me so much and I don't have to do anything but keep trying to make her happy. That there would be other programs, and probably some for what i actually want to do, be a massage therapist. She reassured me in many ways that she still values me as her partner, and doesn't want to be without me. That she would always rather have me than money, that my daughter needs her dad.
I am sm grateful tp her for her love. I usually don't break down like this. But when i do hit a really bad low and start spiraling into those kind of thoughts, i know she still loves me, and wants to live with me for another ten years together.