All she only asks is "How's your day been?" And she will ask this multiple times per conversation.
Like, she only asks about events/real life happenings? Eg She'll ask "What happened at college today?" And when I answer smth along the lines of "oh yk same old" she'll then ask "Well how did your classes go?"
And if nothing interesting happened to me that day, she'll just sit there and be awkward.
When I try to make conversation on a specific topic – she struggles!
Eg I was talking about childhood movies. She said maybe two sentences and then interrupted herself by pointing out how full the passing bus was. And then didn't continue the conversation!
We started talking about this show we were both watching. This one wasn't so bad; the convo was a little dry but I could see she didn't have much to add. Then, we went home and for the next couple of days she kept sending me video after video about the show! So she consumes hours and hours of content, but can only string half a sentence irl?!
The only 'topic' she can talk about is dating, but we are both single, so it's just about other people's relationships or recent 'trends'.
My thinking is, maybe I'm the exception, and this is just how most people talk, so she is actually doing fine. I would love to know if you guys think this is normal and we're just incompatible. And if you think I should tell her, let me know how to approach the subject.
For background: we were closer in high school, and she was a better conversationalist then (we talked on all different kinds of topics). Now we're in college, I'm trying to transition her into a more casual friend and not one you see every week.
Ps maybe unnecessary but the reason I want to adress this is because I get the feeling that she thinks I am the bad conversationalist, since she only talks to me, her sister (who is equally as boring) and her other friend group (who can create a dynamic by themselves). I known I'm not the problem cuz I'm pretty good with other people and our (me and the aforementioned friend's) conversations go smoother or rougher based on my mood (how much energy I have after the day).
31 comments
She’s literally me
Well she probably knows she isn’t too good of a conversationalist and if you know that you are the only person she really only talks to she is most likely aware of it. In my opinion try to ask directly what she liked about the topic you guys are talking about. Such as what did you think about the character Elliot or her thoughts and opinions since you’re interested in what she thinks. She might just be shy or have social anxiety.
There’s no such thing as a boring person, some people have a tough time coming out of their shell or they get so caught up in how they are doing and wondering what the other person is thinking about the interaction that it makes peoples’ minds freeze up hence why you get a situation like that.
And maybe try this…when she asks you a question say, “hmmm gimme a minute so I can think about it since nothing is really coming to mind” then after a little while answer even if you already knew what you were gonna say just to show her it’s ok to take your time to think about something even if there’s a bit of an awkward silence because it’s normal.
I don’t find it productive to criticize someone you claim to be friends with if you’re not at least making it constructive criticism ie: making suggestions on how her social skills could improve. Even so, that just sounds like ego-driven unsolicited advice so you can prove to her/yourself that you believe you have superior social skills. You’re better off distancing yourself from the friendship.
You come across as judgmental because a genuine friend would try to work around this instead of labeling it. How do you know you are not part of the issue too? She might feel judged by you. Just because she struggles does not make her less human; it actually makes her more so. Maybe she does not feel the need to analyze or talk through every little thing you notice in your head. Maybe she is okay with peace in a way that you are not yet. While you said the conversation felt a bit dry, her effort still mattered. Sometimes people miss others’ efforts because they are too focused on how the interaction made them feel rather than recognizing the care that was still being shown. I mean dude she sent you a video of the show. To me that would tell me, she was engaging either way, in her OWN way and that’s all that matters, social skills or not. She still participated and you downplay her efforts. You seem shallow and only care about how a person makes you feel at the end of the day. You don’t seem like a safe space at all because you are criticizing your friend behind her back on Reddit. You are not superior to social skills. There could be someone out there who might believe the same belief that you have “poor” social skills. People like you are the problem.
No you shouldn’t tell her she has poor social skills. No good will come of that. Back and forth conversation may not come easy to her but she obviously considers you her friend and is trying. Give her some grace.
As other commenters allude to, I genuinely ask, *are you even this girls friend*? The way you talk about her sounds like you view her as Less Than.
Despite the fact you highlight that SHE asks about your day and innerworld, but YOU don’t clarify if you ever do the same. You’re emphatic that you are not the problem, but have a long history of asking for social advice (nothing is inherently wrong with that, mind you). You could consider you two don’t socially mesh anymore, or ask what other kind of questions you could try, or how to help her get back out of her shell, but instead you label her as boring and bad.
If you are interested in being kind to her, cut her some slack. If you view her as Less Than the way it sounds here, let her go and find friends who won’t do that.
I am literally the same way as her. Shoot, i’m wondering if this post is about me. End the friendship, you’re a shitty friend. You’re just judging her. She clearly has a few issues expressing herself, but she still considers you a friend and texts you about things you both find interesting. You calling her boring is rude. Go find someone with an egotistical personality as yourself!
She probably knows her social skills are poor or different than others. She also may be neurodivergent – ADHD or something else – not a bad thing, but it’s common for them to have different social skills. I bet if there were topics she is interested in she would talk forever. Her social battery might also drain fast so in person she might not be chatty, but once she is alone and recharges she might have more to share on a topic.
She seems to enjoy your company and might be interested in you – interesting she enjoys talking about dating and you are both single. Maybe she is more nervous in person? Sometimes it’s just nice to sit with people we like quietly, it’s not for everyone, but if she didn’t like you then she wouldn’t be interested in engaging with you at all.
Mmm maybe she’s the one trying to distance herself from you. Lol 😆
It lowkey sounds like you’re the socially awkward one. Do you ever ask her about herself or stuff she’s interested in? Or is the burden completely on her to be exciting and interesting enough for you? Also, after reading your last few comments, if you’re here looking for validation to phase out a friend, just go ahead and do it. It sounds like you’re wanting to make her an acquaintance and are grasping at thin straws of justification. People change and some are only players for a season of our life. If you don’t want to be as close with her, that’s fine. Just cut it off. But again, don’t act like it’s because she’s so socially awkward that your hands were tied. Just make the decision and own it.
Also, does her sister know she just caught a stray in here? Even IF she is as horrible a conversationalist as you claim, that doesn’t change the fact that you sound incredibly judgmental and honestly cruel. I get needing to vent and having a bad day, but maybe do some introspection before you make any decisions.
You’re both young and figuring stuff out. I don’t mean to be harsh — best of luck.
EDIT: ALSO, just prepare yourself for a lot of honest, no bs opinions because a lot of people on this subreddit are those who have struggled with social cues or social anxiety, trying to do better socially, etc., so they’re likely going to be WAY more sympathetic toward the other side to begin with. However, I think in this case most of those types of comments are justified, given how you’ve described the situation and how you’re coming off.
Again, you’re incredibly young – wishing you luck as you figure these dynamics out. I get it can be tough.
Responding to her interest in your day with “oh you know same old” makes me think that YOU might be the bad conversationalist. Maybe she wants to talk about real life and not about TV shows
As a few others stated, I feel like this post is about me. I’m told I’m kinda dry and boring, only talk about reality. Neurodivergent people tend to be very straight forward and usually prefer to talk about things that matter- they don’t do well with small talk.
Then again, maybe there was nobody to teach her to have a conversation – it is an art form you know. Who taught you to gab so well?
“I’m trying to transition her into a more casual friend and not one you see every week.”
You are a narcissist, or worse. Do her a favor and “transition” yourself out of her life.
So you want to stop being friends with a good person because they are a poor conversationalist? Do you know how hard it is to make friends with good people these days? Since you admitted as well that she used to be better at it than she is now, perhaps, instead of criticizing her, tell her you have noticed that she isn’t as chatty as she used to be and seems to be distracted more and therefore you want to know if there is something going on and if she is okay.
>Should I tell my friend she has poor social skills?
Nope.
It sounds like your friend’s life, quirks, and mental health (if she has any, which many people do) are all playing a role in how she communicates, and some of these things might be beyond your understanding. Also, pointing out her flaws isn’t likely to help her get better at talking, so please don’t do that. She is probably already aware of some of her communication problems, and it’s very possible she’s doing her best, even if it doesn’t seem that way to you.
If I were you, I’d just try to focus on your friend’s positive qualities and the great things that brought you guys together as friends, to begin with. After all, nobody is perfect, eh? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Not everyone is an adept conversationalist. Telling them that they are a poor conversationalist will likely embarrass them rather than be productive.
Unless they ask, the best way to try to make a difference is good modeling.
As for being boring, some people are boring. Maybe she is. There are other virtues that are more important than being entertaining. Sometimes being kind and helpful is enough.
Youre trying to distance yourself from her and you are complaining about the lack of conversation?
Youre an ass lmao
Sounds like she has a social script she uses when she knows conversation is lacking ‘ask about their day’.
When you did show an interest in something she followed up by trying to keep you engaged in that subject.
You don’t want a friendship with this person and it shows but if talking to her is a must then maybe keep up your end of the conversation and tell her something about your day when she asks? Or ask her about hers?
If you think she’s so boring and hard to talk to, then why don’t you, I don’t know, *stop talking to her*. I don’t understand why you feel the need to “correct” her social skills, or why you care if she thinks *you’re* the bad conversationalist. Is this some weird competition?
You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Just do yourselves both a favor and limit your conversations and/or overall friendship with this person.
Maybe she’s “awkward” (probably just anxious) because she picks up how weird and judgy you’re being.
You are trying to place labels where none belong and you’re over complicating it.
You say it used to be easy to talk to her on all sorts of subjects and now it’s not, and that you don’t want to be as close anymore.
As someone who works on the field and treats pragmatic language issues, she didn’t just loose skills.
You two grew apart and conversations are awkward because there is a big fat elephant in the room. She isn’t bad at conversation, she picked up on your desire to not be friends anymore and it’s awkward.
It’s you. You are making her feel awkward and what she is exhibiting is a normal/ very typical response to your unspoken communication.
you’re the problem
Yeah sorry but I think it’s you you’re giving her nothing and expecting her to be the one to make up for the void
OP got killed by the comments lol
You sound like the kinda person who would have bullied me for being autistic in high school.
I think you’re mean – someone is trying to be nice and make conversation, you’re not even trying to engage, then you’re coming to reddit to complain about her.
Personally I think she’d be better off without you as a friend.
As an ND person ..
Have you tried talking to her?
It makes you feel bad if she doesn’t open up to you, maybe you should reevaluate why you want her to be your friend in the first place.
Sounds to me like she’s trying really hard if she’s asking so much
Social skills 101: “How’s your day been?” = invitation to talk about anything that you want to or that interests you. You don’t need to literally recount what occured on this specific day. It’s a springboard for anything else. Same goes with remarks about the weather.
Yes, the weather and factual things in the day may sound boring, but they can be related back to anything. “It was raining, so I ordered food delivery. But one day I will definitely try this recipe I read about…”. “Same old, but when I went to the movies last time…”. “I was scrolling social media, my algorythm has been showing me lots of… lately. It’s where people… What about yours?”
OP getting grilled in the comments lmao
“oh yk same old” is a really dry answer, why are you trying to lecture her about social skills when this is how you communicate?
It sounds like you guys just have different interests, she’s maybe a very factual pragmatic kind of person who likes to stay in the here and now and you’re more of a cerebral person, but both is ok! If you’re bored with each other, maybe you both just aren’t the kind of person you really can connect with like that.
**None of you two has to be** ***the problem*****!**
It’s normal for childhood/teenage friends to grow in different directions and fall out of the friendship. And I think it’s normal to question if you are socially inept when that happens or if something’s wrong with your friend.
You described you both have different friendgroups where each of your respective conversation styles work better, so I think the answer is pretty clear.
PS: The fact that she sent you videos seems to me like she’s trying to connect/stay connected to you over the one topic you seem to be able to share. It’s nice that she’s trying. I think you both don’t want to let go of the friendship because it once was deeper than now. It’s ok, to re-categorize her to a different friendship tier for now. Don’t burn the bridge but also don’t worry too much, friendships change all the time, some stay the “same”, and some become deeper again down the line. It’s a normal part of life.
Maybe you should make some friends you enjoy talking to, shouldn’t be an issue if you’re such a good conversationalist.
She deserves friends who don’t give her dry ass replies when she asks about their day and shows that she cares about them.
I’m so glad the comments are the way that they are. I can relate a lot to your friend, and this would be me genuinely trying to connect, show interest, ask questions about your day. It would absolutely break my heart it if I knew you then turned around to criticize and question the way I communicated to a bunch of strangers. I don’t think I would ever want to talk to you again, and I hope you can either realize you’re being extremely judgemental, or just let this person go and make some real friends like she deserves.
Also, just an FYI, “Oh yk same old” is pretty shitty conversation too. You’re giving her very little to work with and then seem to be upset that she might think YOU are actually a bad conversationalist, which you may be. At the very least, I think you are a bad friend.