I've read a lot of different posts about this type of thing and a lot of the advice doesn't seem to get to my specific issue, so posting myself in case.
I [29F] and boyfriend [30M] have been together for several years, and I've had a long term boyfriend before, this has always been the case for me where I know that generally, there's maybe a 10% chance that I actually get to fully orgasm. I know not all sex needs to lead to orgasm, but sometimes it's just nice, okay?
I can get off myself no issue. Audio/written porn is what I usually gravitate towards.
My boyfriend does try – we focus on clitoral, he goes down on me, etc etc. I am not expecting to get off from penetration (although weirdly I have been able to when I'm on top in the past infrequently, but it has happened). I technically do have a vibrator, and maybe I try that next I just never use it when I'm alone so I don't really gravitate towards it.
The issue is that I feel myself getting so close. I tell him to keep doing what he's doing, but then I feel almost like it's too much, it feels good but it's like I'm at 90% for so long that it kinda hurts, even though he's doing all the right things, and then I just lose it completely. He really is trying/listening to me depending on what I say (slow down/right there/etc). I start saying I'm close, and again it's good, but then it doesn't go anywhere and then I'm just like alright let's move on it's not gonna happen (or I fake it RIP but I feel like it's fine/easy to move forward).
I feel like my brain goes 'oh I'm close' which is not an issue when I'm alone, but when I'm with someone it's just like as soon as I realize I'm close, nothing then continues to build.
When I'm on my own, I realize that I do a lot of just pressure/close my thighs and grind (sorry if this is too graphic lol) but you can't really do that with another person and I don't want to crush his head/hands. When he goes down, he says it's difficult because I move my hips a lot (but that's how I usually get myself off, so it feels like it makes more sense, but I understand that he's trying and I'm not making it easy haha).
He always says that it's no pressure/we don't need to rush, but also my boyfriend is pretty ambivalent about sex in general, so I don't want to drag it out to a whole thing and if it goes too long then I'm in my own head about it. It's like – it all feels good, it's all building, but I don't understand how it doesn't tip over when I'm by myself it's so easy to get to 90% -> 100%. I've never had the feeling before where it feels good but then it's too much/hurts on my own.
I know that putting pressure on it is not good, and so that's why I'm okay with not fully getting there most of the time. It's just annoying that I want to sometimes, and I get so close, but it doesn't really get there. He's not putting any pressure on me to come/is okay with whatever, obviously he's happy when I get there too but is understanding.
It's just really frustrating.