I have been with my man for seven years. We started dating when we were teens and now we are both adults. We got engaged about a month ago, and on paper everything looks good. He treats me well, supports me, and in so many ways he feels like my person. That is why this hurts so much.
In the beginning of our relationship, when we were intimate, he would go down on me. At first I was very shy and insecure. I have hyperpigmentation down there and I was extremely self conscious about it. He made me feel comfortable and wanted, and because of that I actually learned to enjoy it and feel safe in my body with him.
But less than a year into the relationship, that slowly started to disappear.
He stopped doing it as much, and over time it became almost nonexistent. This is something I have brought up many times, especially in the last few years. Every time I did, there was a different reason. At first it was because I was nagging too much or because we fought a lot. Then it was that he did not really like it. Then it was that he did like it, but he had a gap in his tooth that made it uncomfortable or painful. Then it was that once we had our own place, he would feel more comfortable and things would change. There were always explanations, but nothing actually changed.
What hurts is that intercourse never stopped. I always gave him oral as well. The only thing that dialed down was him going down on me. And that is the one thing I had grown to want and need the most. When it does happen, it lasts maybe ten to fifteen seconds, and then it is over. That alone makes me feel like he is just getting it over with. I replay those moments in my head constantly, wondering if he is uncomfortable, forcing himself, or just trying to check a box. Realistically, I can count on one hand how many times it has happened in a year.
A few days ago, I brought this up again. We have had countless conversations about this. I truly thought this time he would finally be honest with me. He admitted that in the past he did lead me on, but said that is in the past and that he will prove to me now that things are different. The problem is I have heard this so many times before. And instead of feeling hopeful, I felt indifferent. Hearing that he did lead me on broke something in me, even if to him it feels like old information.
Now I feel stuck in this place where there is no normal anymore. It has been years of disappointment, overthinking, and emotional guarding. Even if he suddenly changed tomorrow, I do not think my body would feel safe or relaxed anymore. It feels tainted. Not me, but the dynamic. I feel embarrassed, small, and ashamed for still wanting this when it feels like he does not actually enjoy it. He has even said things like he cannot breathe when he is doing it, which makes me feel like my body is an inconvenience.
I am terrified because I love him. He is amazing in so many other ways. But this one unmet need has slowly destroyed my sense of desirability and peace. People say it is just one thing, but it does not feel small when it affects how you feel in your own body and intimacy. I cannot imagine living like this for the next 10, 20, or 40 years without resentment. At the same time, I cannot imagine leaving someone I love so deeply.
It feels like there is no fix. If he does it now, it feels like it would be out of pressure, not desire. And that almost feels worse than not having it at all.
I guess I am posting because I feel ashamed, confused, and stuck. Has anyone been in a long term relationship where one sexual issue slowly poisoned everything else? Can something like this actually be repaired after years or is this what incompatibility looks like?
Any honest perspective would really help and give me hope.